Expert: Nafeesah - 8/26/2009

Question
This is tough but here I go.

Background: Married at 16 divorced at 30 - 2 kids all grown up now. Met a guy after divorce that was married and the relationship was on and off again. They have been physically separated for 13 years.

This relationship evolved into a very eggshell situation where he was very jealous and all my mannerisms would change to assuage his jealously - however, he does like me to dress very provacative but it always adds fuel to the fire.

Ten years ago, while he was deciding on separating, he encourged me to date other people. I had a lunch date scheduled. That evening he became quite intoxicated, listened to a lot of sad songs, drove to my house and when I let him in he approached me all lovingly then began to hit on me. He had sex with me (I actually refer to this as a passive rape) and he passed out. He got up later and went home. He sobered even more and remembered what he did and became terrified. Of course there were apologies.

Relationship went forward and lots of verbal arguing. Emotional insults, depression on my part, guilt of his still being married but seeing me, not being able to move the relationship out of limbo.

Solid relationships were built between me, his family and eventually his children. Our relationship hit the 10 year mark and I just wanted to get brave and leave and quit waiting on a life of normalcy and even our sex life became quite abnormal and his anger became directed toward me every day and if he did not understand why I did something in my life he became upset where he would isolate me for days, not take my phone calls or just berate me for my "ignorance." I do not have a degree, but I am a very successful and valuable employee for my employers. But I vascilate in that assumption when I hear his comments on a regular basis.

When I tried to leave him 2 years ago, he panicked. He knew it was for real. I had met a guy friend who was trying to get me strengthened to leave this unhealthy relationship and put myself firsst. I tried. His actions became overboard, he showered me with love, flowers, attention and proposed to me and told his family. I believed him - it was all the things I wanted to hear, and after spending the last month fighting depression and its effects and getting over medicated from a psychiatrist, I grabbed the first olive branch he offered me. I followed him two states away to his new job. It was a nightmare.

We were living on a relocation package and he became more and more volatile towards me, accusing, jealousy out of control, anger at me for him feeling jealous and needy towards me. He resented me there. He took a leave of absence from his work and spent 6 weeks at his moms. I had no place to stay. I left and went back to the state I was from and found a job. Sold a majority of my things to support myself.

After a few months at my job, and him back at his, he became very ill and hospitalized. I left to go to his side, yes, at his request, and never left him for 30 days while he was in the hospital. I lost my job. No FMLA for a boyfriend and no days accumulated.

He became resentful again of me being there and his family not taking care of him, but they would not come to his side, instead they relied on me to keep them updated and he relied on me to relate to his physicians of his current situation and long term consequences. He helped me for a while but it was not enough to meet all my obligations. I tail spun financially, emotionally and mentally. He would kick me out constantly, punish me with putting me on "extinction" and get disgusted with  me for being unemployed.

Some of our arguments became violent verbally and mentally and a couple of times physically. Regretably, they were mainly at me by me as I would go off the deep end when he was change his voice and taunt me telling me I was "white trash" "a whore" "psychotic" and "crazy." I broke down one day and got on my knees crying hysterically and begging him to have mercy on me - I couldn't take anymore...He grinned. I started pulling my hair, banging my head and then clawing at myself and he sat down in the easy chair and watched me and said, "how fascinating!"

Of course things work out, if I don't solicit the forgiveness and trying to patch things up, he will call and make light of something and get the dialogue going again...it has become toxic and so much pain and it has also started interfering with my new job which has me traveling extensively.

Last month I didn't make it home from a 4 hour drive job in the time frame he anticipated. I arrived home and he was edgy and had been drinking. Everything I was doing was setting him off. His verbal tirade began and I couldn't get him calmed down. I decided to call his oldest child (25) to get some help to get him calmed down. After they hung up he stared at me and then started throwing things. When that didn't alleviate his anger, he approached me and hit me twice across the face back handed. I was then shoved onto the bed and he was hitting the back of my head. I was able to reach my cell phone and call 911.

I ran outside the house and waited for the police. The police came, he was all calm, refused to tell them his side, I was hysterical, told them what had happened and since he didn't explain, the arrested him. Third degree domestic assault.

For two days he didn't call me then he did. First he was angry, then he wanted to make up, then he was angry at me for my white trash tirade on having him arrested, and accused me of faking my broken nose, or doing it to myself after he left.

He gives me the I love you, I can't deal with what you have done to me, nothing like this has ever happened in my family, this is the ultimate betrayal, etc.

I am so utterly confused, ashamed, confused, scared, confused, guilty, confused, lonely, confused, depressed and just confused with all the yo-yo mental gymnastics. Sadly, I have not been able to get so angry that I want to have nothing to do with him. that does disgust me with myself and my poor friends are exhausted for the years of this. Which is also another point - he believes our relationship is none of anyone's business, except when I tried to leave him then he called my friends constantly - which he has denied but they have shown me the cell phone bills proving other wise.

I have gone through counseling before due to this relationship and I am embarassed to seek them out again saying, "here I am again, I have avoided all sound advice and I am not only back in it but it is worse!"

Please, can you offer me some mental health advice? This is so debilitating to me with my esteem, my spiritual life, my mental health and sometimes a real despondent depression.

Just a side note on the last physical encounter - the prosecuting attorney does not know my nose was broken at the time of arrest. I sought medical attention later and I didn't say anything to the PA as I found out he would have to go to jail and it would also be a felony.

Is there hope for me to gain my mind back?  

Answer
When you deal with a narcissist you're dealing with one of the most complex and the most abusive type of personalities around. The fact that you were married to this man until you were 30 says a lot about the time you spent in this marriage. When you got your nose broken he should have been prosecuted and made to serve jail time. You should never take abuse from anyone not even a husband. What I would do is get back into counseling so you can work on your self-esteem and to better improve yourself for future relationships. You will have to work on changing that part of your life so you're not attracting toxic people into your life.

Sounds like your ex-husband was the one with the problem it wasnt you because with a narcissistic partner or spouse it's all about them. Good thing you got out of that marriage because it would have not done you any good to stay with someone who was going to keep on mistreating you. I had my own experience dating someone who was a narc and that was a headache as well as hell in a handbasket to deal with. He was so self-centered that I wondered how he lived with himself lying and thinking the world spun when he wanted it to. The only thing was that the world didnt stop and start on his clock and that's what kept him pissed off most of the time. You didnt do anything wrong you just stayed too long, but the damage that resulted of your marriage is still there. This will take some time for you to deal with and to begin to fix yourself back to normal.

How is the relationship with your children? If they were not affected by their father's negative and nasty behavior then you know you fared well with them. The fact that so many women end up with men who are narcissistic and abusive in some way are the real victims here. Counseling and cognitive level therapy to work through some of the issues of what happened during your marriage. Part of the damage came from marrying so young and having to take on a huge responsibility of being a wife especially when you're still a kid and then you're having to endure mistreatment for years on end while raising kids. You came out on top most who suffer abuse are usually suffering far greater complications like a nervous breakdown or psychological deterioration.

You have a chance to start over again with proper therapy and working on changing yourself so you can't attract toxic men into your life again. Before you start dating again you should talk to a dating coach to help you get some pointers on how to customize your personality to where you can meet good people who are of sound mind and who are ready to be married and who are ones that want to make a life with someone and not mistreat you. You deserve so much more than what you had to deal with. Now here's your chance to make a difference in your life so that you can find a nice man to make a life with and to give yourself a chance to start clean again in love and life.