Expert: Nafeesah - 8/31/2009

Question
hi,
thanks for taking the time to read about my pain and confusion.
since i was 21 ive been in a relationship with an older man 36, now we r 27 and 42,everyhting was great during the first year, then the second year we got pregnant, and have a beautifull 3 y/o girl but 1 year after she was born we broke up because one day he lost all his senses and abused me physically to the point i thought i was going to die, and we ended up not being in contact for about 6 months or so, and decided to get some counselling, which didnt last very long,,only a few sessions, and nothing interesting came out of it.
even though i was living at my parents home, and still do today. because we werent in contact for a good period of time through these past 2 years and lately since march of 09 we started getting closer again, feeling like the relationship was going somewhere, even though it was rocky for a long time.
then june came around and it was time to get an appartment,,,just for him, i dont feel ready to live with him yet. and he was financially struggling, and still is,,,even though its a first for him, because he ended up being in jail for 9 months, so i kinda feel like its my responsibility to take care of him, which i've been doing since he came out,,,not because i feel guilty, but i guess because, theres always something in me wanting to care for him, in any way i can. even though he mistreated me so badly, why do i feel the urge to nurture him, and still stick around?

its been a confusing issue ive been dealing with for the past 2 years, and cant understand y i keep holding on to him? i've seeked some counselling for myself, but still cant come to terms.

Please help, maybe you will have a different bird's view that no one else has.

Thank you , jenny

Answer
As a woman we have a hard time letting men go especially ones who don't treat us right. You have a daughter who you want to raise into a productive young woman. Also any time younger women go for older men that's a sign she's missing a father in her life and if this guy's been abusive to you what made you want to stay with him when it started? If he's been in jail he's got to go nothing is more stressful than an incarcerated man holding you back from things you should be doing with your life. I would not live with any man period until it's time to discuss marriage because why would you put yourself into the position for permanent status as a live in and baby mama? You deserve the title of wife and mother never settle for less and living with a man is settling for less you're likely to be abused more since women who cohabitate are 5 times likely to be victims of domestic violence and abuse. If he beat you to the point that you were almost dead please leave this relationship and don't look back you can do better with someone who isnt going to mistreat you. There's nothing wrong with saying I can do bad by myself because that will let this guy know that you will be OK without him. I would take his a** to court and get child support. I would also address his history of abuse which may give you leeway into not letting him visit your child until he's underwent some counseling. I still would not get back together with this man and I would move on with your life.