Expert: Nafeesah - 8/24/2009

Question
Hi,
Thanks so much for your time! I was just wondering if you have any advice as far as leaving an abusive boyfriend goes. We were together almost 2 years and are basically "unofficially" together right now. We had a huge argument about a month ago and he pointed a gun at me and slapped me. Before then, he abused me mentally and emotionally little by little and I've been financially supporting him for a while now. I'm going to move back to my home state where all my friends and family live (one state away from him) on September 12th. I have everything planned for the move but can't figure out how to tell him. I thought about telling him the partial truth-that I need to be with my friends and family and that I want to get back in church, leaving out the fact that I need to get away from him. The hardest part is that we're in the "honeymoon phase" right now and he's been amazing for the past week or so. I was just wondering if there's ever a good way to leave an abuser without having them completely blow up and abuse more.

Thank you!

Answer
I was disturbed when I saw what you wrote. This guy slapped you and pointed a gun at you. I would get out as soon as possible because if he threatened you with a weapon he could act out on his violent tendencies. The honeymoon phase doesnt last very long and if anything else it's a front because he's using that as a way to keep you around. I wouldnt stay there another day especially for someone who pointed a gun at me and slapped me. The mental and emotional abuse is damaging at the long term aspect.Don't give a long drawn out dialogue explaining why you're leaving and I would do this when you get to a safe place so he can't do anything to you. I would also notify law enforcement about him pointing a gun at you because most abusers usually would carry out their rage when a weapon's involved and possibly a restraining order will keep him at bay. I would leave sooner than Sept 12th because the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. Keep the explanation brief and say it's time for me to move on and that I am in a different place in my life. If you live in separate states that's the best thing so he can't really reach you. I would also look at maybe some counseling to deal with what you had gone through and the next time you begin a relationship I would do three things: One you need to do is not live with a guy, Second do not financially support him if he's capable of holding down a job and if you're not married to him, Third identifying when to leave a relationship when the abuse starts. I wanted to make this answer public so other women can benefit from what they can do when they're faced with an abusive relationship of this magnitude. Let your experience be the teaching tool to women out here that you don't accept abuse and if a man is not treating you right...treat yourself right by leaving him.