Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 8/26/2009

Question
I am a 23 year old mother of two small children under 4 years of age, both of which i had with a man i met when i was 18, he is turning 28 in the next few months. We have had an on again off again relationship for the past 5 years, during which he has cheated on me repeatedly.

The relationship was intense from the very start, in the very beginning we became very close and fell in love very fast. He possessed many wonderful traits and was a great person to be around.

In the beginning we spent all our free time together, and when we werent together we were trying to be. The relationship moved very fast and within 8 months of knowing one another, we had moved in together. We always had a bit of a problem with communication, the majority my fault. I am a very reserved, passive individual, growing up i didnt have friends and never dated, and although i try, i struggle with talking about things. He on the other hand is very outgoing, and has been in many serious relationships.

Well almost immediately after moving in together things started falling apart. We fought all the time and broke up only 4 months after moving in together. I moved back in with my parents for a short time but we reconciled and found a new place together to start new. That didnt last longer than a few months and after moving out i found out i was expecting our first daughter. We got back together immediately but that was short lived when he discovered he enjoyed the single life. After the baby was born however, we tried to get back together again but he had been sleeping with a girl, we will call LISA; for months and after a huge fight he forgot about me and literally days after was in a relationship with her. He then disappeared until our daughter was about 9 months old, missing her first christmas. Then one day after an awkward visit, we slept together and just like that we decided to start over again and be a family. It wasnt long after that i caught him cheating on me with lisa and this time made him move out. Well within months, you guessed it, we were back at it again only by now i lost all trust for him and snooped in his cell phone, or anything i could get my hands on regularly. Thus catching him cheating again. Days after kicking him out, i found out from his family that he had gotten her pregnant while we were still together and he was going to stay with her for the child. This upset me greatly considering he was barely around for our daughter. That relationship didnt last and eventually we were back together and moved into a different place. During a fight one night he punched my butt in a rage instead of hitting my face and i kicked him out yet again. Very aware of the promises to come and the fact that i would accept him again even though i didnt trust him, i FINALLY went through his email even though im surprised i hadnt while we were together (he had given me his password when he had gotten back together to prove to me he had nothing to hide) in an attempt to ensure i wouldnt believe his lies and take him back, then found many different photos of many recent times he had cheated on me. I was so hurt and angry although i had a strong suspicion he was back to his old ways while we were still together anyway, i was then convinced that i would never let him hurt me again even though i had told myself that many times before. I had even gone to see a psychologist in an unsuccessful attempt to finally help myself. By now i had already contracted 3 STDs from him, 2 of which i cant get rid of... But once again he told me everything i wanted to hear, everything i had hoped to be true this time and although i didnt trust him, i took him back and we decided to have another baby. Our relationship had already been so badly destroyed by now, we werent friends, everyday was a struggle and my lack of trust eventually drove us to breakup only days after confirmation that we were expecting our 2nd child. I became so desperate and hurt that i called him and messaged him all the time but every time he told me it was over. After accepting i shared responsibility in letting our relationship fail i started moving on and picking myself up again but our 2nd daughter is now 2 months old and we are together again. What a mess. We got back together last month after he realized he still had feelings for me. I admit that i still have feelings for this man, but i have hurt myself very much by staying with him and i am afraid of what all of this is doing and is going to do to our children. I am not just abused emotionally, mentally, and very rarely physically, i am an abuser. I have in turn hurt him emotionally, mentally, and physically.... I am not happy with the person i have become. I have become extremely paranoid, insecure, emotionally unstable and abusive. I havent felt good enough for him for a long time and my self esteem has plumeted. I was convinced for a long time that he had a sexual addiction (he also frequents porn and loses sexual interest in me) and i myself am co-dependant and have a love addiction. I dont know where to seek help for myself as he does not want to go to couples counselling with me or even seek help for himself. He has cried to me and said he would change many times but in the end it turns out to just be noise. He says he wants to be a family and he wouldnt be here right now if he didnt care about me. I feel both guilty and relieved for telling you some of the awful things i have let happen, but he is not all bad, he is a good person and just wants to be a good father and have a loving healthy relationship. He has a kind heart but has been through a lot in his lifetime. I really dont know what to do and i dont know if i can trust my own judgement anymore. I am in desperate need of some good advice... or to be sent in the right direction at the very least. PLEASE send some wisdom my way.

Answer
Respected Young lady,

Greetings and peace.

I  very well empathize with you.

In my  opinion, no  human counseling  or  technique  can  heal both  of you   and  make  a new  creation with new heart and mind.God'd intervention is the  only  and one way

My suggestions...

Pray every day  for atleast one hour loudly to God

Separate from this man and learn to stand in your own feet.

Do not   become  a victim of   human  emotion, love  and related which are   many times   false expressions and signals  send to you by others to get what  he/she/they want from you.

I repeat that you need to  pray every day diligently and read  the Scripture.All STDs will be healed as you do this. For God all things are possible

Have  a nice day

Dr.Sunu Sundar