Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 8/15/2009

Question
How do I pick up my life after 10 years of abuse? I have two small kids, 3yrs and 4mths and no family support? My x-spouse has already replaced my with another women and I don't get a dime for child support and I feel like I still need him in some strange way! I am in therapy and on anti-depressants to help my crying spells and I have joined college and I feel like I will never get over this situation...I need your advice!

Answer
Dear Zanetta,
I found your question in the question pool and wanted to answer it.  This is such a valid question and I understand why you would ask it.  You are doing a lot of the things that it takes and I really am proud of you for going back to school.  Abusive relationships bring death and they steal your confidence, self respect and identity.  

The only reason that you believe you need this man is because in the relationship, you had an identity.  What that identity was, I don't know, but somehow he defined you.  Most abusers are very eager to tell their victims who they are.  Bear in mind that in every circumstance they are wrong.  Now, you are in a very different situation and you don't know who you are.  It feels strange, there is grief involved because even though it was an abusive relationship, it is still a loss.  Let the grief happen because you need to get through it, but find your identity as you create your own life.

Your therapist will help you, achieving success in school will help you, surrounding yourself with supportive people will help you and not underestimating your successes, no matter how small, will help you.  He has stolen 10 years of your life, don't let him steal any more.  Take your life back.  You have control over it, you make the decisions and you know what is best for you.  Stay with your therapy, for it will help you in ways you may not see now.  

I hope this answers your question.  Truly, I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com