Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 8/19/2009

Question
Hi Dr., I have been married for 24 years and dated 7 before we got married.  He was always self employed and after the birth of my first child I stayed home.  He came from an alcholic disfunctional family; said he lost respect for his parents long ago.  Marriage problems consist of:  his way or no way, belittling to me and kids, shows no interest in what I do or where I go (just started working again 1 1/2 now and never asks how was work or what did I do), quick temper, especially if you say something to him that he takes as an insult, extremely negative (everything everybody, he says he is a realist and not negative), controlling, micromanages, emotionally absent (kids and I don't really exist to him, now that they are older, they tell him off all the time like "you have know idea where I work or what I do"), blames everyone but NEVER himself for problems, extremely self-absorbed (if it's not a conversation he is interested in, he hears nothing; you can have a conversation and wait for a response and all you get is "I didn't hear you"), no empathy has no idea how he makes kids or me or others feel, (I was diagnosed with cancer years ago, am fine now, no special treatment or anything, but he gets a cold he is dying) tells me my opinions are not opinions because they don't agree with him and I am always wrong,(I can be right and feel right but he changes things around to make me feel like I am wrong) puts himself, needs and wants first, can never have a conversation, a plain simple conversation with him, acts like a little kid and has tantrums just the same.  He shows interest and becomes very polite when he "wants" something from me (sex).  I have been to a counselor, we went to  marriage counselor but he didn't want to do what she asked, I have told him from day one to show interest in kids and me, to talk to them or at least hear them, I have done all you can think of for 20 years, am exhausted will not try any more. (I have gotten stronger, walk away so I don't listen and say No)(also, yelled back in the beginning but stopped because didn't want kids to have two nuts to listen to) I see it all, but why am I still here?  I've read about honeymoon cycle, walking on egg shells, narcissist etc.,  Everyone says one day you will wake up and a "light bulb" goes off, what if it doesn't? No one can believe i lasted this long, too many stories....

Answer
Dear Cathy,

Peace  be with you.
Indeed you are  a  strong woman in heart  in your marriage life journey!.

All what I understand  in your letter is only one thing, i.e. lack of  genuine love  towards you from your husband.It is really  very hard for a marriage to survive and  remain successful if love  is below average  among  a married couple.

In my opinion-

Either you  put up with this person  and  suffer lovelessness in your life
    
    OR

Leave this person with your children and make your  own life

In all these I would highly  encourage you to  initiate  a habit of having regular, diligent  personal prayers and family prayers with your  children.Every day, serious prayers   will alone  bring  change in your life  and make your life meaningful

Have  a nice day

Dr.Sunu Sundar