Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 9/10/2009

Question
First a little background. Let me tell you I am not a young woman with no experience in the world of relationships.  I am a mature woman who should know better!  I have never been in this kind of relationship before.  I have been married twice to very stable responsible business men who treated me well, in spite of the fact the marriages didn't last. The marriages ended for other reasons. I raised my children alone and they have grown into very stable and responsible adults that I am very proud of.  No drugs or drinking problems ever, for me or any of my family.

Now my problem.  I am dating a man who is mentally abusive.  I did not realize that is what he was until a book caught my eye in the book store.  The cover said, Controlling Men:  What you can do when you can't do anything right.
I read over the book, unfortunately the book store was closing so I couldn't read it all.  I read enough however to see myself and him in that book. I was quite shocked.  It described us perfectly.  He always puts me down. Never anything good to say about me.  He yells at me for no apparent reason..as though there could ever be a good reason to be yelled at.  I have been dating him for just a little under a year. I never dreamed I would put up with being yelled at by anyone but here I am!

My problem is that I can not seem to break it off with him. I do not feel that I have a problem with low self esteem.  I am sure that is the type of woman who usually finds themselves in these kinds of situations.  Now that I realize what this is, I know I need to end the relationship but I cannot.  The attraction is extremely strong and has been from the very first kiss. I have never in my entire life felt anything like it!  How can I leave?  If I stay what are the chances of the abuse becoming physical?  Is there some way of getting him to stop putting me down and yelling at me, or is it hopeless for men like this to change.  Of course he doesn't think he needs to change but he thinks I do!  I am pretty easy going and so far I have been able to brush off most of what he says but I don't know if I can continue doing that. I feel that my self esteem has suffered some but not in an extreme way.  What are the chances of being with a man like this long term and my self esteem staying intact?  Can you recommend books for me to read so I can educate myself about this issue?  Are there support groups for women in this situation?

I did not date much after my second divorce.  Is it possible I just don't want to be alone?  I can't believe I would put up with this just so I don't have to be alone!  It was 14 to 16 years between both of my marriages so being alone is nothing new for me.

Please help! What is the result likely to be if I don't leave?  Is there an easier way to leave?  I'm sure there is no easy way.  Is there a way that at least won't be quite so painful?

Answer
Dear  Kari,

Greetings

I an  unable to answer all of your questions because it is  difficult  in online counseling.

I  will  focus on important  elements and consequences of this relationship.

The best choice is to leave this man.

If you say "sorry, I am not able to do  it", then my answer is-

The negative consequences of this relationship  will  force you to break from this  man later .This may happen in  two months or  three years.

Pain of separation can be reduced by

Diligent regular, personal prayers.

Every day  meditation on Holy Scriptures


Have  a nice day