Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/22/2009

Question
I have been married to my husband for over 3 years, but we have been together over 5. We have his two children living with us full time because their Mom has drug and alcahol problems.  We have always had a hard time of it. I was abused as a child and as an adult. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have a chronic disease.  I am so afraid I picked another abuser, but he says I am abusing him! Every thing is my fault all the problems we have any thing that goes wrong and even though I told him every thing about me and my past when we were first together now he throws my past up to me constantly. He calls me a slut and whore and I deserved to get beat up by my ex. I am at wits end.  I have tried to end our marriage several times already but we end up getting back together.  Each time he starts to get physical and mentally abusive with me I run. He says I am controlling and no one would ever want me.  Last night he told me that he couldn't blame my ex's for beating me because he either wants to beat me or divorce me but then said well if he didn't love me he would.  When he drinks he breaks things and is verbally abusive to his daughters and me.  I don't want to leave them with him but legally I don't have grounds to keep them.  I don't think I can stay in this relationship much longer.

Answer
Dear Anne,
From your description, the abuse seems to be coming at you, rather than vice versa.  Blaming the other person is classic behavior for an abuser; however if he is being physical, it is not only considered domestic violence, but in many states it is assault and battery, which is against the law.  How can that be your fault?  He is also being verbally and emotionally abusive, using the blame game to beat down your self esteem.  Abusers seldom take responsibility for their feelings or their actions, therefore they blame it on whoever is closest to them, whether it be spouse or children or both.

Yes, he is an abuser and that kind of abusive behavior comes from within him and he is responsible for what he says and does.  Adults have choices and he could choose to behave differently, however he does not.  If you are controlling, that would be something that you could work on, but it is no excuse for his behavior.  The one mistake abuse victims make is that they believe the abuser when they say they are sorry.  Saying he's sorry changes NOTHING.  If there is no concrete action to find professional help to change what is wrong inside, I can guarantee you nothing has changed.  Don't fall into that trap again.  In these types of situations, words alone are meaningless.  You have to see long term action.

If he is being abusive to the children, you can report him and perhaps the court would consider you a guardian if it was decided to take them from the home.  Again, that depends on the laws in your state and an attorney could better advise you than I.  Depending on how old they are, they could choose to come with you when you leave, but either way, you must get out of there for your own safety.  If you need help, contact your local Women's Center.  They have shelters, abuse counseling and court advocacy at little to no cost.  They can support you in the decisions you are facing and give you some assistance where you need it.  

Once you are out of the relationship, I would strongly encourage you to seek abuse counseling for yourself.  Because of the PTSD, I would suggest finding someone who knows EMDR therapy.  That is a wonderfully effective therapy for trauma and is relatively quick as compared to other types of therapy.  You deserve better than this and you deserve to live your life in the peace of knowing who you are and that you are valuable.  

I truly, truly wish you well and strongly encourage you to get out of there as soon as you can.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  You might go to my website and take a look at the articles in the "Library".  They might be helpful to you, especially the "Cycle of Domestic Violence".

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com