Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/21/2009

Question
I have never submitted a question to an online site or ever had to talk with someone else about an issue like this before, but I feel the need to now.
My brother recently moved to the West Coast from the East Coast to be with a young woman whom he met on the internet and whom he felt very strong romantic feelings/physical attraction for. He did not move out there with much money, social connections/friends or anything else. I was afraid of this happening months before he actually left, but now the girl doesn't have those romantic feelings for him as he does for her. She recently called me and told me that he called her threatening to drive a car into something to hurt himself (which turned out to be an empty threat to get her attention), and he is becoming highly obsessive with her (calling/texting very often, begging her to be with him, etc.). She is worried and doesn't know what to do, and neither do I. He has never been good at controlling his feelings or emotions, and he does have a rather short fuse and a temper.
I am a very emotionally and mentally stable person, and I could never understand some of the things (or the rationality that) my brother has while growing up. He only has a few family members out there (distant relatives), and no friends. The girl he likes told me that she has asked him to come out to social events, and even that the neighbors next to his place have asked him to hang out, but he always turns the offers down.
Him and I are very close, and I know that he looks up to me (I'm the older brother). Tonight he told me that he's feeling "like shit", and I told him to try his hardest to think rationally and listen to what I had to say.
Any advice or comments you might have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Answer
Dear Daniel,
I can understand how concerned you are and thank you for trusting me to help you with this situation.  The internet is introducing so many undesirable dynamics into relationships, more so now than in the past.  Social networking sites really give individuals the illusion of relationship, but in truth, there is no relationship there.  Your brother is a victim of that illusion and it has triggered into something within him that isn't able to deal with rejection or perhaps the idea that he was in error by moving to the West Coast on a whim.  

Rather than go on about what I think might be happening and why, I would strongly encourage your brother to seek counseling.  Just in what you have described, he doesn't have good coping mechanisms or relationship skills...both things that a counselor would be able to help him with.  He may be dealing with some depression, but there may be other things going on as well.  A trained counselor should evaluate him and make that determination.  

One thing I will say is that if he makes further threats to hurt himself, the best thing to do for him is to report him to the authorities.  The reason I say that is two fold:  1)  If it is manipulation, facing the real consequences to a threat like that will stop him from using that as a threat,  2) if it is real, he needs to be in a safe place where he can't hurt himself and under the care of trained people who understand what to do is where he needs to be.  You may think that this is harsh, but it is really the best alternative considering that he could kill himself or maim himself in the attempt.  

You also might research a website on Borderline Personality Disorder  www.bpdcentral.org.  Some of the symptoms that you described fall into that category....impulsiveness, anger problems, difficulty regulation emotion, control issues etc.   There are nine criteria to look at and you may see some familiar things there.  However, in order to really determine that, he would need a professional assessment.

I hope your questions have been answered.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com