Expert: David Simonsen - 9/4/2009

Question
I have been with my current boyfriend off and on for the past year (we have broken up twice), and have a fear that I am in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive/controlling relationship. We are both college students that work hard and have ambition, but lack communication and have many blow ups and fights that to me, seem very small and trivial. For example, my boyfriend is a very religiously conservative and was raised from a different background from myself. Although he has never gone as far as to tell me what to wear and what to eat etc, he has stated that certain behaviors "make him uncomfortable" or are "unacceptable." Even when I edited those behaviors, there is still an issue. An example is alcohol, although I am not an abuser of alcohol, even if I have a glass of wine at dinner he will create an issue or fight over it. He also has a tendency to bring things up from my past that have absolutely no relevance to our relationship or the present, and fight with me over them. It makes me feel like I must be on guard for the next blow up or argument. Our arguments also seem very irrational (from him being upset over someone calling me "boo" on facebook to not telling him he is the best kisser I have ever encountered). Our fights drain me, last for hours, are melodramatic and almost always end with us almost breaking up. I have also experienced some really low points in my sense of self and moral values. I have talked to him about my concerns over emotional abuse, at first he seemed receptive and apologetic but then he played the victim role. There are many other examples I could go on about but I just wanted a third party perspective to gain further insight into this. Thanks for your help.

Answer
Christina,
Dating is about gathering information and then making the decision to stay or leave. You have more than enough information for a good decision. Maybe you are scared to be alone or maybe you honestly don't know what to do. This isn't magically going to get better when you marry. I suggest you move on and learn. This isn't emotional abuse. It's two people who have different views on life attempting to force the other into their own worldview. This usually doesn't work. Stop trying and find someone more compatible with you.
David
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