Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/4/2009

Question
I have been with my current boyfriend off and on for the past year (we have broken up twice), and have a fear that I am in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive/controlling relationship. We are both college students that work hard and have ambition, but lack communication and have many blow ups and fights that to me, seem very small and trivial. For example, my boyfriend is a very religiously conservative and was raised from a different background from myself. Although he has never gone as far as to tell me what to wear and what to eat etc, he has stated that certain behaviors "make him uncomfortable" or are "unacceptable." Even when I edited those behaviors, there is still an issue. An example is alcohol, although I am not an abuser of alcohol, even if I have a glass of wine at dinner he will create an issue or fight over it. He also has a tendency to bring things up from my past that have absolutely no relevance to our relationship or the present, and fight with me over them. It makes me feel like I must be on guard for the next blow up or argument. Our arguments also seem very irrational (from him being upset over someone calling me "boo" on facebook to not telling him he is the best kisser I have ever encountered). Our fights drain me, last for hours, are melodramatic and almost always end with us almost breaking up. I have also experienced some really low points in my sense of self and moral values. I have talked to him about my concerns over emotional abuse, at first he seemed receptive and apologetic but then he played the victim role. There are many other examples I could go on about but I just wanted a third party perspective to gain further insight into this. Thanks for your help.

Answer
Dear Christina,
Thank you for writing and giving me such a good description of the relationship you are in.  I appreciate your candor.  

If you are in an unhealthy relationship and your boyfriend is unwilling to do what it takes to make it healthy, why stay in it?  It's pretty much that simple.  There are two people in the relationship, if both are willing to make it better, then there is hope.....if only one person wants to make things better, then there is some hope, but it depends on whether the person seeking help is the one who needs it.  If neither party wants help, there is no hope.  These are just the basics.  

Your boyfriend sounds very legalistic, which can be a dangerous thing in a relationship when combined with a controlling attitude.  God is not controlling, neither is He legalistic, therefore what you are experiencing does not come from God, nor is it condoned by Him.  God gives everyone free will and warns us what will happen if we cross certain boundaries and then lets us make the choice.  

Another thing to consider is that a healthy relationship promotes growth.  It is alive and both people grow and thrive inside its boundaries.  Unhealthy or abusive relationships bring death to the parties involved.  It is as simple as that.  If you desire a healthy relationship, this one isn't the one you want.  That is evidenced by your statement regarding editing your behavior.  In these types of relationships, the abuser believes the other person is the problem, or their behavior is the problem and if they just change their behavior, the abuser will be happy.  The reality is, the abuser is unhappy because the abuser has a problem.  You can change yourself inside out and it won't change anything....there will always be something else wrong.  It is that way because the problem doesn't lie with you, it lies within the abuser.

Your boyfriend isn't happy because living a life where you have to control yourself and everyone else is joyless.  His view of God is very warped and he believes that in order to be a good Christian, a person that God approves of you must change your behavior to reflect biblical truths.  The problem with that is that behavior comes from what the heart believes and until you change the beliefs in the heart, you end up only controlling behavior.  That is not what God wants....remember the scripture that says man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart?  That is what I'm saying....you can't be a "good Christian" without a heart change.  God is love, God is not control...the two cannot coincide.  What God wants is for our behavior to come out of a heart that is like His...not to control our behavior so that we behave like Him.  Does that make sense?

Your boyfriend will need to come to a fundamental understanding that he is loved by God no matter how he behaves.  There isn't anything we can do or not do that will change that.  He loves us because we breathe in and out, not because we behave well.  That will be very difficult for him to accept and I'm not sure you will want to give up that much of your life.  

I hope this has helped.  Life is way too short to spend it in a relationship where you fight over nothing.  God did not call you to give up who you are in order to be with someone else.  If you find yourself doing that, get out.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  I truly wish you well and will pray for wisdom for you regarding this relationship.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com