Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/9/2009

Question
I have been the victim of emotional/mental abuse for the majority of my life. From the name-calling and bullying from my older siblings in my childhood to the 20 year relationship with my controlling first boyfriend. And 3 years ago I finally left the relationship with my self-esteem in tatters.
However, not long after, I started seeing a fantastic man, someone the complete opposite of my ex, totally supportive, etc. but I find myself having problems enjoying my life with him. I keep feeling very paranoid and have trust issues, even when I know deep down he is totally faithful to me. I have problems communicating with him, and am always arguing with him over the stupidest things. I just can't seem to let myself be happy, even when things are going great I keep looking for trouble and causing problems, and then end up in tears frustrated with myself for not appreciating what I have now. It's starting to really affect him now too, and I really don't want to lose him.
I'm not 100% sure, but I feel this may have something to do with the mental abuse I suffered all my life.
How can I shake off my past and finally start appreciating what a great life I have now?
Please help.
Thank you.

Answer
Dear T,
Thank you for writing and allowing me to help you in your journey.  I am so glad that you are with a person who is treating you well...that is half the battle.  The other half of the battle, as you have described so well, is getting past what abuse has done to you.  What you are reacting to are the beliefs in your heart that have been placed there through years of abuse.  

Truthfully, this is not something that you can shake off, you will need the help of a professional who can help you get to those hurts and wounds that trigger the behavior you are describing.  Once you confront them and replace them with truth, you will begin to see changes in your behavior.

When we are hurt and wounded as children, we get emotionally stuck in those places and then find it difficult to react differently in present life.  I would recommend finding a counselor who is proficient in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) and spending some time in that kind of therapy.  It is the number one therapy used for trauma victims and has a high rate of recovery in a relatively short period of time.  It does not use hypnotism or any weird type of protocol, but what it does do is use your natural ways of processing emotion to access the beliefs and trauma you are carrying around and through rapid eye movement, your brain reprocesses the emotion, brings it from the right side of the brain to the left side of the brain (where your logic and reasoning centers are) and you are able to process the emotions and memories as an adult.  It is truly a wonderful process.  

Short of that, I would recommend an abuse counselor who understands abuse and is able to work through the trauma with you.  I'm not sure if you have Women's centers in the UK, but here in the States we have women's centers who provide abuse counseling and resources for abuse victims at little to no cost.

I'm sure your boyfriend would support you in this and I strongly encourage you to enter into some kind of therapy.  This is too great a wound to try and deal with by yourself.  You deserve the help you need to get to a place where you can walk free of the triggers.

I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com