Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/4/2009

Question
Hi.  My husband and I have been married just over 1 yr but have been together for nearly 10.  We started dating in college at the age of 18.  Throughout our relationship there have been instances of physical abuse.  The instances range from pushing/shoving, hair pulling, choking, punching holes in walls, breaking things, etc.  He has never once hit me.  These instances have been spaced out over time, the most recent one happened a month ago.  I had a lot of doubts before I married him, which I never voiced to anyone.  I never said a word to anyone about his abusive behavior even though it scared me.  I didn't want people to have a bad impression of him. Leading up to the most recent incident I have been feeling withdrawn, detached from him and depressed.  I've felt trapped.  I have lacked the desire to have sex with him for over a year and a half, which I have blamed myself for, chalking it up to hormones or any other excuse I can think of that might be wrong with me.  He's very controlling, which he doesn't see.  He also doesn't see the things he's done as a form of abuse.  I feel like the most recent incident has really put me over the edge and I can't stand to be around him.  I'm now seeing a psychologist and after fighting with me, my husband has agreed to go to counseling to try to save our marriage.  The problem I'm having is that I don't know if I want to even work on this, I feel empty and as though I've already made up my mind that I don't want to be with him.  I have said I will go to marriage counseling with him because I'm guilty for feeling this way, like it owe it to him to try to work things out.  Before we spend tons of money on counseling, what are the chances that he will really change and won't ever be physically abusive to me in the future?  I have lost that trust and I'm not sure I will get it back.  I should add that he also has an addictive personality.  He is a successful man but is addicted to smoking pot.  He smokes several times a day, every day.  This is another thing that concerns me, which he does not feel is reason for concern and says he will not quit doing, ever.  Am I a horrible person for wanting get out of this marriage?  Do I owe it to him to try to work things out? He has made threats that he will make my life a living hell if I try to leave or divorce him.  I feel he has a jeckyl & hyde personality where he gets really angry but then is sweet as can be.  Right now he's being overly nice, which is very uncomfortable.  He makes me feel like I'm the one that's crazy. Please give me some insight.  Thanks.

Answer
Hi Claire,
The first thing I want you to know is that this is not your fault and you are not crazy.  Abusive relationships are not life giving so therefore, why should it be any big surprise that you have died in this situation?  You said he didn't hit you, but what is the difference between hitting and choking, or hitting and shoving, or hitting and hair pulling?  His behavior is threatening.  Even if all he did was punch holes in walls, the demonstration of violence says, "I could do it to you so watch out."  

You are being physically abused, emotionally abused and more than likely verbally abused.  You don't feel safe, your emotions have died.....what is there to stay for?  He has broken the contract and he has broken the law.  He vowed to love, honor and cherish you....has he done that, no?  Love doesn't hurt, love is patient, kind, not boastful, not prideful.  There is no honor here and honor is what the heart responds to.  If you received this kind of treatment from a stranger, what would you do?  Call the police? Run away? Never come in contact with the person again?  So what makes this any different?

One thing that you might do is check out a website at www.bpdcentral.org and check out these symptoms. The reason I refer you is that you are talking about self destructive behavior, mood swings, threatening behavior, control, and you feel as though you are the crazy one.  These are symptoms of BPD, but even as I say that, I must tell you that I see warning signs and am not diagnosing him.  It may be that you are dealing with some mental illness here but its hard to tell.  The drugs add another dimension to the situation.  If after researching this, you believe you may be dealing with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my best advice is to run away as fast as you can.  Personality disorders are not curable.  

On the other hand, I would recommend abuse counseling for you.  Having been in this relationship as long as you have, you have been changed by it and are, in ways, enabling his behavior.  Shoving, hair pulling, choking etc is assault and should have been reported to the police.  Do you realize that in a choke hold, it only takes 11 lbs of pressure for 8 seconds to kill you?  Choking is very, very far up the violence scale.  

Guilt is an emotion that is a response to manipulation and is perpetuated by low self esteem.  You owe this man nothing.  He has abused you and continues to abuse you.  I would not be surprised if the abuse is also blamed on you.  He is not safe and you are not a bad person for leaving.  Leaving the relationship is the normal consequence for this kind of thing.  

What you need is a plan and a support network and a good attorney.  Make sure you decide what you are going to do if and when he "makes your life a living hell".  If he stalks you, there are laws against that.  Since he has made that threat, your attorney should know that.  I would encourage you to contact your local women's center or domestic violence organization.  They can provide you the support you need, court advocates, counseling and anything you need for little to no cost.  Take your life back....giving it up to an abuser is of little value and you are worth more than that.

I truly wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.
Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com