Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/7/2009

Question
My name is Leah. I am 22 and a mother of 3. I have been in the same abusive relationship since I was 14. It has gotten progressively worse. I know I have to get out and I have tried before. But because my my children and the lack of money I had to come back. My question is How can I get out and stay out??? Where can I go to start over????

Answer
Leah,

You must have been deprived of a nurturing childhood.  You had to be if from such an early age you subjected yourself to an abusive relationship.  

Yes, the abuse will intensify and become more intolerable, because you are becoming aware that you do not deserve to be abused, and your maternal instincts are pushing you to protect your children and save them from a repeat of your own childhood experience.  

You might think that you went back into the abusive relationship because of the children and lack of money.  Truth is you went back because of fear, and feelings of inadequacy.  But now you are realizing that regardless of how you feel, what you have been subjecting yourself and your children to, is intolerable.

How can you get out and stay out of that, or any other abusive relationship? Change the messages of weakness and neediness you have been feeding yourself.  Change your self-talk!

Tell yourself you are capable of taking care of yourself and your children; that it is time for your children to be nurtured in a safe, loving environment, and that you are the only one to make this happen for them.  

If you get the children accustomed to an abusive environment, they could start rebelling in ways that could create a lifetime of hellish experiences for all of you.  I do not think that is what you want.

The only place you have to go to start over, Leah, is right there in your mind. Get close to that woman in the mirror.  No matter where you go, nothing changes till that person in the mirror, makes things happen.  

Once you tell yourself that this is starting over time, that from this moment you are assuming full responsibility for taking care of yourself and your children, you will be amazed how determined you will be to keep your gaze ahead, and find a way.  That determination will lead you to opportunities, and to the right people.  

It is said that God helps those who help themselves.   I may add, we also find it easier to help those who help themselves.  It is challenging to be always available for a person who always has an excuse for not making wise decisions, for not moving forward.

People are reluctant to help us when we keep putting ourselves in a needy, poor-me-one frame of mind.  No one would want to help you if in helping you they are putting themselves at risk.  And you put others at risk when they try to help you get out of an abusive relationship that you keep returning to.

This is your life, Leah.  And your children's lives.  Above all, give your children love, and a chance to experience life without abuse.  If you have nothing to eat, and no comfortable place to stay, give them at least love.  Show them that you would do anything honest to take care of them.

There are private and public institutions that will help you. Social Services/Welfare, should help.  Find a church and ask them to help you.  Be careful with your children. Keep them close to you so they would not be taken advantage of/preyed upon, by anyone.  And pray, even as you find all honest means to take care of your family.

Ask the Social Welfare people, or any church, to arrange for you to get counseling.

Dr. ES