Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 9/16/2009

Question
Hello Doctor,
First of all I want to thank you for reading this.
I do not want to disclose my details hope you will understand.
I am 31 yr old girl married around 1 1/2 year ago.It is a love marriage in the same religion but the cast is different, we got approval from both side of elders.
We both beloing to well educated families, and we both are professionals and with God's grace earn well.
But every thing is changed after marriage. We both are from same City but I moved to some other city for job before my marriage and my Husband promised me for taking transfer and come and settle in the same city where I am living at present.
But now he do not wish to come as his Post will be different.
And also he do not want me to come back as I will not earn the same amount what I am earning now. (I am a scientist)
So I travel every Saturday and Sunday to meet him.
I was sent to U.S.A for 3 months from my company, and from that trip onwards he took charge of my income, he controls everything  but I try to keep all records.
He is changed allot, we had an affair of 7 years.So how can he change now?
With this problem when we have some argument he act wild and also hit me couple of times.After hitting he suddenly hug me and apologies and tells me that he do not understand what happens to him when he gets angry.He was never like this before.
He started complaining about my appearance as I am putting on weight but did not allow me to join Gym because it is going to cost us some money.
So since 1 1/2 years I am living all alone and unhappy.I also want to start my family but he insist, we save some money first and after that will decide.
His family also, do not treat me well. His parents do not hurt me but when I am at home on Saturday and Sunday they will keep asking me to work like cooking cleaning etc. because my husband works on Saturday and do not allow me to go out or to go to my Mother's home which is 10 mins. of distance.
And when I complain this to my husband he do not understand and just get upset thinking that I do not like his family, which is not correct.
Please give me some advice, I am very lonely, having no friends and my best friend whom I am married is changed so much.
Thank You for reading.
Regards,
Rashika  

Answer
Dear Rashika,

Greetings and peace be with you

I carefully read the mail you sent and  understood the  sufferings you have been going through  after your marriage. I am also sure that because you hail from a  strong cultural  background you are  able to  hang on to this married relationship so far  in spite of trials!

Your  letter  very clearly indicates   scanty love of your husband towards you(If I am not   too early to  judge). As I read your  words  a major  question arises in  me about  the intentions  of your behind your marriage.


I have  a few  basic questions, which will help me to study your actual situation in depth

Can you , in a few words  explain to me the  intention of  your  husband  in marrying you?

Is (was) it  a love oriented marriage or lust oriented marriage?

What attracted  him towards you? your qualification?, Your wealth?, Your beauty?

           OR
Was it genuine love that made him  fall for you?

Do you have any clues regarding his tendencies, temptations  to fall for  another relation(Extra-marital)?

Are you  unable to satisfy him in  any area of  married life?

Apart from this……

I strongly suggest that you take control of your  income. You  need to have your own private account and your  own private savings. In the present  world, in my experience I see cases in which often  women are ‘exploited’ even by their husbands for  promoting  male  chauvinism  and   male dominance subtly.

You must take care of your  body  and  it is important that you take care of  external and internal beauty.You must have the freedom to go to a gym or  go to a beauty parlour  and these are  very private areas  in which even  a husband cannot(should not) have  VETO power.

I  also  suggest you to have  healthy friendship with others.


Is there possibility of getting your  husband  to a counselor?

I suggest you to engage in every day  regular prayers from  the time you read  my mail.God will help all those who cry to Him for help with full trust.

You  may also  contact me at  outreach.matters@gmail.com for further assistance.

Have  a nice day

-Dr.Sunu Sundar