Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 9/29/2009

Question
Hi everybody, i am so confused dont know what to do, it would be off great help, if you all provide me with your valuable suggestions which can show some light for my life. I loved a person and got married to him, but our marriage life was really bitter, he cheated me many times, did not like my family, short tempered most of the times, uses abusive words when he is angry, and so on, i tried my best to build the relationship and to keep up the marriage. I was fighting for 9 years and the situation came where we both decided that its better for both of us to get divorced, so the process is going on and soon everything will be finalised. Now i dont have any more any contact with my ex. I am in a different country now, i am alone and really longing for some unconditional love.

In between i came across one guy, he was nice and in one word i found everything what i expect in a husband. I started liking him a lot and he was also nice to me. After sometime i had told him that i am married and going to get divorced etc., but we still are fine as friends. Basically this guy is extremely nice , the relationship did not build just by seeing at each other, we were talking normally for 3-4 months and later on little bit closer. I like the way he cared me, with this i started talking to him and few times the situation went in such a way that we became intimate. I felt comfortable and confident with him, so i accepted that. With my loneliness and with my longing for love, what he gave me brought confident in myself and i started feeling happy.

But suddenly he told me that his marriage is fixed and he is soon getting married. It made me to get upset, somehow at that moment nothing came in my mind, i simply told him that he dont have to use the name of the girl infront of me and not to talk anything about that. He maintained that, and i was like before with him. Though i know that this will not work since he is engaged with a other girl, me heart did not hear anything, just expected love from him and thats it. May be i became completely blind without having a thought what i am doing is not right, but still as i said the mind tells that its not right, but the heart does not accept that at all.

After sometime he started realising that i am becoming much dependent on him and he told me that its not possible at all, as he is soon going to get married. It made me upset and angry. But i know by myself that there is no reason for my angryness. Because when he is engaged then i should come out. But i am not able to accept that at all.

But due to my loneliness the support which i got from him was really helpful. Most of the times i am upset and the warmthness what he give makes me happy. We did get intimate 2 times and thats it.  But somehow i feel him as a great support and really need him most of the times. I dont know how to  call this relation, may be as i am worried and depressed i need him or what, i am not sure.

As i had mentioned earlier, now suddenly he started maintaining a distance, telling that at one point we should not feel guilty about what we did etc., so he is not as close as he was, this hurts me a lot. I feel like that i want him to be as close as he was, but he is not. I think i am doing some mistake here, as he is going to get married to someone soon, its not moral what i do, i know that very well, but my heart does not accept this and this makes me crazy, thinking that why is he not loving me like he was. But as such i have no complaints on this guy, because he is a nice and gentle man, and in simple he was great in all the ways.

I become crazy thinking about him, i want him to be with me, but its not possible, something makes me go mad, i hurted myself due to this pain and what ever i am doing i feel i am so unhappy and not able to come out of this relation. He will be married in 2 months and after that i think he will maintain more distance from me. But the thing is when he was close to me he also knows that he is getting married and i also know that, so when he was like that few days before, why not now. This situation makes me to get angry on him . But overall i am sick.

I dont know how to come out of this situation, i feel like i need him, he can show me the love like what he showed and i want to be like this till we both see each other and this could be just a matter of year, after that for sure i leave this place and he leave this place after the study. sometimes it looks so selfish, what i am doing is not right but at the same time i cry thinking why he is like that etc., and something i long for his love and intimacy. How should i deal this situation, please kindly help.


Answer
Dear Sangetha

What you are looking for can only be found within yourself. Only you can love you. Only you can love you unconditionally. As long as you keep looking for love outside of yourself you will suffer. Just be happy, you don't need anyone else to be happy. Let him go and concentrate on yourself for awhile. Good luck.