Expert: David Simonsen - 9/28/2009

Question
Hello,
I have been married to the same person for 12 years.  We have had the normal ups and downs.  We have a 5 year old daughter, a bright and happy little lady.
Our relationship however, is stormy at best.  We rarely are intimate, perhaps every 2-3 months and it's usually strange.  I can never seem to please her, no matter how clean the house is or what I do for love there is always criticism, every day.  I am trying to live a spiritual life, spend a lot of time in nature and am seeking true love with myself and how I view this reality.  But being around a long term partner that frequently is hostile has been very difficult.  I love her and our family dearly; I come from an abusive family and although this anger frequently takes me back to those painful episodes of childhood, I worry about my kid and another broken home.  I was married previously at a very young age, in another abusive situation.  
How to I proceed without endangering a young life?  I just can't take much more of the hostility.  Of course our discussions turn it back on me "I'm insensitive" and "it takes 2 to argue" when all I really want to do is focus on a positive loving home and stop the destructive criticism.  It's a shame to give up after all these years but I'm beginning to feel I have no other option.  Strangely we seem to share a deep bond, but superficially I really feel hated.  Thank you for your time, this is difficult to write.

Answer
Bob,
I would suggest instead of focusing on loving yourself and nature and all that is spiritual, you focus a bit of that love on your wife. Without talking to her I would imagine she feels second to many things in your life. No amount of cleaning a house and doing things is going to change how she feels. While she may need to change some things of her behavior, it seems like you may need to refocus a bit. Focus on loving her as much as you are trying to love yourself and nature. If she feels genuinely loved I bet things would start turning around for you. This love, isn't simply feelings driven it is actions driven as well.
David
www.help4life.net