Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/12/2009

Question
My husband and i have been fighting a lot lately. He has lost his job and has bee super stressed but for the last 3 months he has hit me and choked me a few times even while I'm holding my little girl. one time he had me against a wall screaming like crazy in my face and would not stop and i was holding my 8 month old girl and she was screaming from being scared. i finally slapped him because i didn't know what else to do to make him stop. He hit me back and knocked me to the floor. so did i deserve that then because i hit him first? He got crazy one night and took my baby and locked themselves in the bathroom and i talked and cried for 2 hours trying to get him to come out but he never would and in fear for my baby i hammered the door down to get to her and he hit me with his elbow several times and head butted me. Did i deserve that too? Is he an abusive man? Am i an abusive woman?

Answer
Dear Alisha,
Before I say anything else, I want to assure you that you are not an abusive woman and you did not deserve the treatment you have received.  Your reactions are self defense because what your husband is doing is assault and battery.  Extreme stress is no excuse.  If your husband can't handle his emotions he should remove himself from the situation until he can.   

What I am concerned about is your child.  Witnessing, being a part of and hearing this kind of violence changes the brain of developing children.  Your child will not be the same living in an environment as violent as what you are describing.  She is right in the middle of it and has no developmental abilities to handle the emotions that she is experiencing or feeling from the two of you.  This is child abuse and you need to know that.  Children who experience this kind of thing often enough can grow up to be dissociative, simply because they can't handle the extreme emotional environment that surrounds them.  The other problem is that the longer you stay in this situation, you model behavior that teaches your daughter that it is OK to be abused, it is OK to stay with a man who abuses you and you will pass this on to another generation.  

As far as you are concerned, if your husband has resorted to choking you, you need to know that it only takes 8 lbs of pressure for 11 seconds around your neck to kill you.  If that happens, then what happens to your baby?  Your primary responsibility is the safety of your child and secondarily your own safety.  It matters less what the trigger is, once there is this kind of violence in a relationship a critical boundary has been crossed.  Your husband is a violent man and you need to be safe.  At this point, you need to take your child and leave.  Your husband needs counseling and he needs to be held responsible for what he has done to both of you.  He is irrational, violent and at this point is a child abuser.  You have every right to walk out and stay gone and you should, for your own safety and the safety of your child.  I cannot state that strongly enough.

You do not deserve this and your baby girl certainly does not.  I would encourage you to contact your local women's center and engage in some abuse counseling.  It will help you to clearly see some things and will also help you to understand your value as a woman, a mother and a human being.  Once you truly understand these things, you will never ask the question, "did I deserve that" again.  The answer is always a resounding NO!

I truly wish you well and I strongly encourage you to get the counseling you need to strengthen you on the inside and help you be the person you need to be for your child.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com