Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/17/2009

Question
I am 44 year-old unmarried woman  in a relationship with 33 year-old man for last 8 months. We started off with a casual relationship but gradually fell in love, as we feel so. but this guy at times become very abusive and possessive. he wants to marry me but wants me to leave my job. when he gets angry he hit me at public places and behaves in a weird manner. I have so far forgiven him.
But he blames me for his reactions and that i have made him an angry person and he was never like that earlier.
when i ask him to leave me if he thinks so he comes back to me saying that he will hurt me also before doing that... in short that he will take revenge and will punish me suitably.

he comments me on my previous relationship also which could not go well for some reason.

when this guy is normal he behaves very sensibly and as if hes a very lovely who takes lot of care . i don't know what to do. at times i feel scared with him fearing that he might turn volatile. pls help... he can hurt my family members also if things do not go according to his wish. i cant take the help of police or my family members as they are not aware of him and i fear of losing my face in front of them as professionally i have done very well. pls help pls help

Answer
Serena,

You are playing with fire.  Yes, loss of face could feel unbearable, but if you do not swallow your pride, and talk with your family, you might be denying the help that could come from having your family's support at this time.

You have evidently played into this man's hands.  When a professionally competent woman gives up her responsibility for her personal wellbeing to a less competent man, a younger one at that, the man can feel overwhelmed, and not wanting to lose face, could resort to weird defensive behaviors.  When the weird behavior involves abuse, there might be no limit to which he would go when wanting to save face.  See his behavior in public?  A well balanced man would never rail up or misbehave in public.  He would rather learn to talk over problems, and agree to end the relationship if it is bringing pain to either of you.  By the way, this is what a well balanced woman would also do.

This young man is displaying classical abusive tendencies; abusive behavior.  The abuser likes to get you to cut all ties in your world, and to eventually become solely dependent on him (her).  Then he can put the grip lock on your life, and make you his victim, forcing you to live as he wants you to live on threat of punishment of one kind or another.

You did not make this young man this way.  His worst fears are surfacing in response to your surrender of your power to him.  You could walk away whenever you wish, but walking away does not involve negotiating over who would leave, and who would stay.  Walking away from abuse means just that, closing the book on the relationship; putting as much distance as possible between the two of you, and for a long while, sometimes, looking over your shoulder.

If you leave your job you would no longer be able to live at the level that is comfortable for you.  You would be giving just so much more of your authority over to this youth.  I am talking about authority that is rightfully yours, authority over how you choose to live.  Hitting is evidently his way of asserting his power; and of course, you allow it, maybe to his surprise, so he continues.

Your former relationship did not work out, and in this relationship, you, the more senior person, is making yourself the junior person by leaving with this young man responsibility for your relationship with him.  Are you feeling needy?  Do you feel that you would get no one else to love you, if you just get out of this relationship without looking back?  Why am I detecting that self-pitying approach, "why don't you leave me if you think I am not good for you"?

This is your life.  You had the strength of will and purpose to pursue a course of studies so today you are defined as a professional woman.  Being a woman professionally, and a self-pitying child emotionally, would of course be confusing to anyone in an emotional relationship with you.  But if you feel emotionally dependent that is how you feel, and this is the problem you must address.  This is the experience of many of us.  And it is no point blaming the way we were brought up.  Parenting persons gave what they had to give.  Wherever we find ourselves we must attend to our own needs.  And your need is to learn, and practice, taking care of yourself.

This young man is not responsible for what is happening to you.  You are.  My advice?  Talk with your family.  Tell them you feel badly talking with them, that you feel you are losing face, and this is painful, but you need help, and so you have come to them.

Dr. ES