Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/27/2009

Question
I have 2 kids, 6 and 2 yrs old. I'm not married, but I've been in this relationship for about 7 years. He has asked me to marry him, but i refuse to make a lifetime commitment to this unhealthy relationship. I feel like I'm in an emotionally unstable relationship. He says he loves me, and I believe he does, but I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. We argue more than we get along. Everytime i make an opinion, he always tells me the complete opposite of whatever it was that i said. I feel like i've tried every nice way possible to get him to change the way that he talks to me and treats me, but i have not been successful. After all these years, I've found that the only way to get through to him and to have a say in anything, is by fighting fire with fire, which completely stresses me out and makes me very unhappy. I know that when i stand up to him, i sound just like him, and that's not what i want to do, because i know what it feels like. But i also find that if i don't stand up to him and fight, he just bulldozes me to the ground and makes me feel unimportant, which feels pretty crappy too. Unfortunately I depend on him greatly for financial support. When my son was born we decided i would stop working to be a full time mom. So what I'm trying to decide right now, is if this relationship will ever improve, or will it always be so emotionally exhausting? Is it better for my kids for us to stay together or would it be better for them if we were apart? I'm a stay at home mom with no income. Should i suck it up until i can go back to school and not be dependent on him for financial support? He's gone to anger management classes, and we've gone a couple times to see a therapist, but have seen very little improvement. and at 100 bucks a class for couples therapy, we couldn't afford it. I just don't know what to do. For myself, i don't want to continue this relationship. So much stress and emotional instability is hard to carry everyday. For my kids, I want them to be happy, but i don't see them being happy if we were to separate. Any advice?

Answer
Dear Jessica,
Finances are definitely a consideration, but I think you know the answer to your question.  If the relationship has persisted in this manner for seven years, there isn't a lot of evidence to suggest that it will change.  If you've tried counseling, anger management etc and nothing has changed, you seem to be out of options.  Your partner is the one who needs to see the reason and have the motivation for changing and that isn't happening.  

You have no control over him or what he does, but you have all the control over your own life.  If you look at it honestly, how happy can your children be in a home where there is fighting and their mother is not being treated with respect?   If you aren't happy, you aren't being the best mother you can be and the atmosphere in your home is not conducive to producing healthy growth and self esteem if you and your partner are not getting along most of the time.

The first thing you need is legal information.  Are you entitled to child support?  You might check with an attorney or with your local Women's Center.  They have counseling and resources that may be of use to you, for little to no cost.  Once you have the information you need, you need to create a plan, create a support network around you and decide what you want to do with your life.  There are educational programs that you can access online, so that you don't have to leave your 2 year old to go to school.  As a single mother, you may qualify for help that you don't realize you have available to you.

The best thing to do is start gathering information.  You're right, this isn't a healthy relationship and it probably isn't going to change.  You'll only be able to suck it up for a short period of time before you eventually have to make the decision to leave.  It's more than likely just a matter of time.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, but I want you to know that you are the one who makes the decisions in your life and you are worth more than to spend time in a situation where you are unable to grow and improve your life.  If you can't, how can your children?

I truly wish you well because I know how hard these decisions are.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com