Expert: David Simonsen - 9/7/2009

Question
A very difficult arguement ensued between my two daughters and son-in-law caused through a lie told by grandaughter J to her mother "T", our daughter (the mother) passed it on to her Father (my husband) and because the accusation was not beleived by either my husband or myself we discussed the accusation with my daughter and her husband the one that was accused.  The accusation was the accused got his daughter my grandaughter of 9 years to take a £20 note from the bag of the J.
This has had serious repercussions as it was not true, grandaughter J has been caught lying before and I wanted granddaughter J to learn that lying about others gets you nowhere.

The reason I believe my husband was told about this incident by our daughter was that prior to "J" accusation, daughter "T" had fallen out with son-in-law the accused over something really silly the week before, and it felt like a bit of revenge was going on, putting into the mind of my husband that his son-in-law had behaved in an underhand way.

Our relationship with daughter "T" has always been rocky. and I have had years of her being quite unreasonable at times.  She is very selfish.  We have helped her out financially and emotionally over the years, her marriage finished a few years ago, and now she is in another relationship and granddaughter "J" hates the new partner.  Daughter "T" has now kicked her daughter "J" out all this turmoil was happening around the arguements and accusations.

Daughter "T" is now giving me the cold shoulder, she will not make contact with me, I have phoned and text her 3 times in the last week since she has returned from her holiday with her new partner. Grandaughter "J" is still living away from home, I am having contact with her and trying to talk to her about her behaviour towards others.  She winds her father up as well, and before "T" went on holiday he came round the house using threatening behaviour.
Do I leave "T" and wait for her to make contact now, or do I continue to try and talk to her.  I know that she will ultimately blame me for all that has happened regarding the rows with her sister and brother-in-law.  They have made it up now, and are going away at the end of this week to Portugal together.  But I know that I will be left feeling sad and rebuffed.  I feel sad and depressed regarding my relationship with my daughter, it is not an easy relationship, it always seems the more I try the worse it gets, I do feel abused at times.


Answer
Sandra,
Next time I would encourage you to stay out of it and let the actual people involved deal with the situation. Your other kids bring you into it in order to cause all this turmoil. As for this situation, I would encourage you to simply let the daughter know it is in her court to make contact and then go on living your life. Your daughter has made bad choices and is making bad choices. I would reach out to the granddaughter to make sure she is OK and then get on with your life. Your daughter is getting on with her life, so there is no reason you shouldn't.
David
www.help4life.net