Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/27/2009

Question
Hi, Just even writing out my "situation" basically answers what I SHOULD do AGAIN....I've been on this merry go 'round with this guy for going on 2 years....Ironically it's my 1st relationship since I've sobered up (I'm 48, been married 3 times), I met him in AA, and he was basically cruising the AA Fellowship for some tail, he's "known" for being a "dry drunk/addict" and not willing to work a program etc etc. I have "broken up" with him repeatedly, changed my phone number, and here I am AGAIN in the last 2-3 weeks having sex with him, he has my new phone #, and he's repeating the same inconsiderate, immature, behavior, and obviously I HAVE A PROBLEM MYSELF becuz I am so STUCK...I KNOW "logically" how STUPID all this is, and I keep getting sucked back in, and yes it's ME that does it and is so susceptible to his manipulative draining ways...the sex isn't even "good", it's just familiar and it's like this manic episode (we both are bipolar) and he has never treated me as a "girlfriend" out in public, amongst our peers, it's been like pulling teeth, I KNOW (again) "logically" that this is all dead end and I'm just so STUCK I can't seem to STICK TO NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM which I KNOW is the ONLY "answer".  I was doing "good", it was 3 months this time and within 3 weeks I'm right back at square one, feeling rejected by him, made a FOOL of by him, USED by him, this must be irritating for you to read this when it's OBVIOUS that I just need to stick with the NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN with this guy.  Do I have to move to accomplish this?  I'm seriously considering it, I feel pretty isolated/lonely in this town anyway and don't "have a life" other than 2 comm.college courses and sectratarying one AA meeting a week (and even attending a couple!).  I know that wherever I move to "there I am", but I just can't seem to break out of this continuous cycle.  Thanks for "listening", I'm just STUCK.  Any feedback you are willing to offer would be most welcome.  Thank you, Valerie

Answer
Hi Valerie,
I think you have pretty well figured out what you want to do, now it is just executing the plan.  If you feel it would help you to move, then by all means do that.  As you know, AA programs are very good and you will need to find one wherever you move....just to give you some solid and familiar footing from which to grow.  However, rehab programs are not the best places to look for boyfriends simply because most people who go to these programs need help themselves.  

If you decide to move or if you don't, I would encourage you to invest in yourself and find a personal counselor to help you not only handle your bipolar disorder, but to give you some grounding and feedback.  Most women's centers have abuse counseling and other resources for little or no cost.  

No matter what you decide to do, it is clear that there will be a learning curve as to how valuable you feel you are.  The more self worth you have, the less you will be drawn to allowing unhealthy people treat you badly.  It's all in how you see yourself and how worthy you feel you are.  

I hope this helps you.  I think that you know what you need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.  Develop a support system around you, set some goals to improve your life and then get on with meeting your goals.

Many blessings and I wish you well.  If I can be of any further assistance to you, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com