Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/5/2009

Question
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We have been friends for about 6 months prior. We fight and make-up and love each other very much. I feel I am a very well rounded individual. I have been through a lot growing up being mentally physically and sexually abused and overcame it. He is younger and has been a lil sheltered/spoiled. I am more attractive than him and he is always making comments about it. Recently he shared with me he had been abusive to his High School girlfriend. I was not really shocked b/c I could see that. After he told me it seems it opened the door for him to get worse and start acting verbally/emotionally abusive to me. I broke it off b/c I told him he needed help. Now b/c he realized I was serious he is willing to get help. Should I stand by his side through it or wait til he gets through it and then see how I/we feel? I don't know if I should stay or walk away?  Thank You, Jeana

Answer
Hi Jeana,  I really want to commend you for taking the action that you did.  Many women would not have done that. This shows that you have boundaries and aren't afraid to use them.  In regard to staying or walking away, in my opinion, it is better for you to walk away.  Abusers use "getting help" as a manipulation to keep the victim close.  For his sake, if you were to walk away, it would mean that he would be getting help for his own sake, not because he is doing something to keep you in his life.  When anyone gets help for a problem, the motivation should come from a desire to help themselves.  Statistically, abusers don't have good track records when it comes to getting better, and less positive outcomes when their motivation is for someone else.

He needs to do this because he wants to improve his own character, he knows it is wrong and wants to see it removed from his life...not because he is trying to prove something to you so you won't leave.  

On your side, what do you have to gain by staying?  In the event he doesn't get better, then what?  It is even more awkward to leave at the point when he has tried and failed and you feel as though you are kicking him when he's down.  

Just make a clean break and remove the possibility of getting back with him.  There are better guys out there than this. It will help him and will be a good thing for you as well. You don't want to spend your life going around this mountain, which is probably what you would do.  Just understand, abusers aren't all bad.  If they were, victims wouldn't be drawn to them.  The thing you have to bear in mind is that you don't have to sacrifice part or all of yourself in order to be with the good part of the person.  If your relationship with him consists of fighting and making up, what's the point?  You don't get along and don't seem to be able to permanently overcome your differences.  Good relationships are life giving and fulfilling, abusive relationships bring death to those who are in them.  If you aren't growing in this relationship, walk away and don't look back.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com