Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/9/2009

Question
hi, my sister has  been with her husband for 11 +yrs her husband drinks everyday she tells  him to stop but to no avail he keeps on ...he used to physically , emotionally, and verbally abuse her but she started fighting back and ignoring his remarks but i am worried about her 11 yr old son he hears everything, he gets abused also not beaten but verbally abused she has tried talking to her husband but he says his dad was like that when he was younger and he doesn't want his kids to have the same life but he doesn't want to change her son takes all of his belittling and remarks  it hurts him  he holds so much anger in and i'm scared for him , he gets so mad tears run down his face  he balls up his fist wanting to strike his dad i don't know how to help him i told my sister that i want  him to live with me but she feel like she is giving up her kid but also wants to help him so how do i help him? she has tried leaving her husband but he says he cant live without her or the kids and he starts crying and saying he is going to change i told her to leave for good she feels no love for him but says she is staying for the kids and her house im not sure ....i just want to know what will happen with his emotional well being if he is left in this situation.. i just need some advice so i can tell her so she will see the what the affects of her husbands abuse is doing to her son.. thank you in advance for your response

Answer
Dear Sarah,
It is so tough to be an outsider in a situation like this because you really have few options.  Your sister is the one who needs to make the decisions and from what it sounds like, she is very deep in denial.  

One option that you have is to try to get her into abuse counseling or contact your local AA chapter to see if they have group meetings for the family members.  I have an article on the cycle of domestic violence as well as a study about the effects of abuse on children.  If you would like me to send them to you, please email me at livingwellcc@gmail.com and I'd be happy to send them.  They might help your sister see some truth.  

The other option is to report child abuse to the authorities.  That will get them involved and may get your nephew out of the house and into your home.  Being an alcoholic, your brother in law will not be able to change his behavior without help, so if he isn't seeking help, there will be no change no matter how much your sister believes there will be.  He may not be able to live without her or the kids, but it isn't enough to bring about any changes.  

Believe it or not, this is a pretty "normal" situation as far as dysfunction goes.  The best way to break through the denial in your sister's life is to get her to really see what living there is doing to her son.  Most abuse victims can take the abuse themselves, but when they realize what is going on with their kids, that tends to wake them up.  

I understand how helpless you feel.  It's a difficult place to be, but you sound like a good sister and she needs someone like you in her life.  Unless something changes with the husband, there really is no hope of change....the only option is to get out.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  I truly hope your sister is able to see the light of day at some point.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com