Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/25/2009

Question
i must mark this question private.
he knows I visit this website and he knows what to search for. he stalks me.. somewhat. I am a little scared of him. if he sees I am talking about him on the internet he may come back.

i would like to share my story with you.

for one year I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
he spent $15,000 of my student loan.
he drove my credit from 700s into 500s.
I bent over backwards for him.
I worked full time and went to school full time to support him and his drug habits.
and when I lost my job earlier this year he blamed me.
he called my mother a bitch, a whore, he threatened her.

he tried to rape me when he was drunk, but he was sober enough to stop. then he told me that I treated him like shit.

I tried to remove him from my house. many times.
I pay the bills. I paid the gas. I bought the groceries.

all with my student loan money.

and today... he left.
I told him to leave.
my mom was there too. we threw his things out after he told me I was stealing his money. which I did, technically. I stole $40 to buy groceries. I apologized. my conscience is so guilty for taking the $40. but my cats needed to eat, *HIS DOG* that he borught into my home needed to eat. and I needed to eat.

so I threw his things out.

and he left.

and tonight I am moving far away.

and I feel so free.

...I am aware this is not a question.
...I just wanted to talk to someone.

I still feel guilty for kicking him out.
...but with him gone .... I feel ... so free.

Answer
A tight, warm hug, and a firm congratulatory handshake.  Tonight you summoned the courage to honor yourself.  There is false guilt, and true guilt.  False guilt is when you feel guilty for removing another's foot from off your neck.  True guilt is what you suffer when you try to impose your will on another.

You did not steal this man's money.  You allowed yourself, it seems, to feel responsible for feeding and supporting this man.  You were never responsible for him.  He is feeling lost, apparently, and inadequate to independently get his life together.  He can go to a rehab center; he could ask for help from some government social services agency.  He could go to a church and ask for help.  But he latched on to you because you made yourself available; and you made yourself feel responsible.  Spending your student loan on this man was extreme.  And having him disrespect your mother makes me wonder if this experience was not to also shake you up and tell you that you have some work to do with yourself.  But praise and thanks you woke up and decided to get out, and far away from this man.  

The most effective way to put distance between yourself and that kind of experience is by restructuring the way you think.  Examine the self talk that got you into that fix; and compare it with the self talk that shook you up enough to have you realize that nobody must be allowed to so intrude themselves into your life that they would have you as their virtual slave.

Affirm your self importance; affirm your feelings of adequacy; affirm your intrinsic strength and good-enoughness.  Speak encouraging words to yourself; strengthening words, and watch self transformation take place in your life.  When you are transformed, you would see persons like that man and not feel obligated to account to them for anything.  You don't have to be rude, and you do not have to linger in their company.  It is easy to walk away from doomed relationships when you are not sexually involved.  If you want to have a lasting, caring relationship, you might want to consider taking time out to become friends with a person without becoming sexual.  In friendship you could observe the ways of the other person, and if you are uncomfortable with certain behaviors,  you are always free to decide on your behavior.  Be careful about bringing anyone to depend on you for room and board.

Again, congrats for the courage you have demonstrated, and do, pursue your education; pursue a holistic education, the harmonious development of the spiritual, the physical, and the mental.

Dr. ES