Expert: Azure - 9/18/2009

Question
Hi,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We have known each other a lot longer & seem to have the same type of background, so we were immediately comfortable around each other. We have both had extremely hard childhoods, which is why I sometimes excuse his behavior as maybe something he learned from his parents & I should just let him know that isn't ok. We have arguments all the time & I don't know how to fix it. I love him to death so I don't want to end this. (which is everyone's advice so far) I feel he is a controlling boyfriend & he feels I'm a crybaby & a bitch. He does not allow me to hang out, talk on the phone, or talk on the internet with any of my friends.(I know he doesn't have the right to say I CAN'T do this, but he won't give up!) & he can hang out with whomever he pleases. That isn't fair! He doesn't want me to get a job, & he yells when things don't go his way, even when I have no control over the situation or am not involved. If my opinion is any different from his I get lectured/yelled at. His temper is so unpredictable. He sometimes tells me I'm pathetic, or worthless. (I would guess because I don't have a job) When I say something about responsibilities we have or finances he really blows up. When an argument gets heated he will break things & get really close in my face, trying to intimidate me. He has never hit me, although sometimes he will ball up his fist & draw back like he is going to. He also takes a lot of anger out on our dog, which really kills me. I'm not the most religious person, but I do enjoy church. He even tells me I can't go to church! Even when I do address the problem he will say he is going to TRY to stop doing it, & sometimes he will, but a few days later it's back to the way it was before. I have to bite my tongue and guard my thoughts all the time because depending on his mood he could take everything the wrong way & I will be the one to suffer. So instead of creating arguments sometimes I will just sympathize with him & tell him I'm sorry. It's just easier sometimes, although I know that is encouraging his behavior. I have told him I'm scared that this is an abusive relationship & I wish we could just work things out & communicate our problems without the yelling & insulting. I have told him time & time again how lousy I feel because of this. So I know that he is aware of how he makes me feel. Any time I say I am not happy he just says, "Then maybe we shouldn't be together." & I always reply, "but I really love you, I just wish I could be myself & you could be content with that." I know he loves me, & it isn't so bad all the time, but it can be.  I, of course, stick up for myself most of the time, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.  Everyone says I should just leave him, but I love him & there must be another alternative. I would be so grateful if you could give me some techniques on how to deal with a controlling boyfriend & how to maybe even help him deal with his anger issues.

Answer
listen to your friends--your insecurities are responsible for your hanging on to this dysfunctional arrangement that will only get worse--labeling this "love", considering the boatload of unlovable behavior exhibited,  and using the term to justify this continued addictive dependence, is an unhealthy charade; perhaps after a couple of years of regular counseling, this guy MIGHT change, but don't count on either happening--your choices are wasting more of your life in quiet desperation, or acceptance that it's over and breaking  out of your imprisonment...