Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/3/2009

Question
My husband goes through these cycles. He'll get mad over something silly (what i think is silly anyway). One of many examples: we were at a wedding reception for one of his friends out of state and he couldn't find me for about 5 minutes. I didn't have my phone right on me so i didn't hear him calling about ten times. When he did find me (I wasn't far & doing nothing wrong) he was sure I sunk of with someone and was probably with some guy. I'm not the type of person to be sneaky or unfaithful. I've never given him a reason to be suspicious of me but he always has been. Anyway, he was really mad and yelled at me and talked bad about me in front of all of his friends. I was completely embarrassed. Of course he was sorry the next day. But I just wanted to show the kind of stuff he gets mad about. This example was when we were visiting in Ohio. We live in Michigan. We've been married for almost three years, together almost 8. We have a 6 year old son together. His cycle is getting mad over something silly, yelling at me and calling me worthless, whore, every nasty thing you can think of. Then he gets sorry, then nice for a while, then back to normal, and it starts all over again. In the past year the cycle has been getting faster and faster with as little as two weeks for it to run it's course. We moved to Michigan 6 and a half years ago to be closer to my family. They love everyone. Since coming here he has only made one friend. Since knowing him I haven't made one. I know I've been taking the mental abuse for a long time, but everything just changed last Saturday night. Here's what happened. My cousin had her wedding reception coming up on last Friday. We have been talking about it for weeks and it was marked on the calendar for months. We didn't know what exact time it was going to start until the night before (Thur.). When I told my husband it would start at 6:00, he got pretty mad because he couldn't make it. I thought it was silly to get that mad over. He basically told me I sprung the reception on him and that he was mad i was being so sneaky about it. So I went to the reception with my brother and sister. We left at about 11:30 when he started calling me. It was a very long drive from the reception to my brothers to drop him off, from there to my sisters to drop her off and pick up my son, then another hour drive home. I didn't get home until 2:15. On Saturday he ignored me most of the day and was rude when he did talk to me. At 6:30 he said he was going to get dinner for himself. Around 10:00 i figured he must have went to the bar. Now he's never, ever done that since I've known him. He's not a big drinker. He got home around 11:30 and I wasn't going to say a word to him. It's okay that he went to the bar. I didn't care. When he got home he started saying this is how it's going to be now if i want to go out all night without calling he was going to do what he wants. I said "okay, where did you go?". Mistake. He started on how it was none of my F-ing business. From there he walked over and started ripping my metal baby gate out from the wall, went into our laundry room and started punching holes in the wall and calling me a whore. I tried to get him to leave but he was just pushing me back and grabbing for my throat. He went into our back bedroom and said "I'm sleeping here". I said fine and walked out of the room. Then i heard him start punching holes all over the back room. I came back in to tell him to just get out and sleep in his truck. He pushed me into the closet and squeezed my throat. When he started choking me i swung and popped him back (i have long arms). He was trying to call the police but i didn't want him to because i didn't want my son to see his daddy getting hauled off to jail. I tried to get the phone from him a few times but each time he would bend my arm over to put me on the floor and choke me. He eventually walked back to the back of the house and i locked the door so he couldn't get back into the main part of the house. At this point he ripped the door out and destroyed it. He followed me into the living room and punched a hole in the wall and pushed me down. Now my son has woke up and opened his bedroom door. I went in and closed the door. My husband went into the kitchen and was shaking the whole refrigerator around and throwing stuff. I got my purse and phone and went back into my sons room. He started punching the door, screaming nasty things, and trying to get in. I had my back to the door with my feet on my sons toy box to hold him back. My son was crying scared (it broke my heart that he went through this). He tried to get in by punching, kicking, and running into my sons door. I eventually didn't hear anything and had to take my son out his bedroom window and run to the car. I can't imagine what he would have done if he would have got in that room. He called my phone after he found out we left and left a message saying "your lucky i didn't see you leave b*tch!" He was still pretty out of it the next day when i came back with my sister to get him to leave (i left my son with someone i trust). He was blaming me for everything the first half of the day. Saying it was my fault, we're done, you ruined my life, the usual stuff he tells me, but by evening he went into the guilty feeling sorry mode. I told him i want a divorce and now he's laying the guilt trip on me, making me question myself again. Saying i made this decision to fast and he's sorry, he'll get help and all of that. I have bruises on my arms and legs, and my throat is sore. I feel stupid even asking this but i made the right decision to divorce him right? Nothing this scary has ever happened before. Three years ago, I slapped him for screaming very nasty things in my face and refusing to leave. He slapped me back, but that was the only time until now he's ever laid his hands on me. It's mostly mental putdowns. This time was so scary. I don't want my son to ever go through this again. He's telling me that if we had enough love, i would help him get better. Making me feel bad about wanting to end it. I only want to do what is best for my son. I know this has affected him, but i think he'll be okay eventually. I know if it keeps happening he won't be okay. Some people said to leave him with divorce, some have said to separate for a while so he can get help. I'm wanting divorce. Am I right? Please help me make this step. I needed to tell someone unbiased, and that doesn't know either of us. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I know it was long.
thanks in advance,
Amy

Answer
Dear Amy,
Please forgive me for not getting back to you in a timely manner.  I've been off the site for quite some time and I didn't realize that there was a problem with the email forwarding.  I checked the site today because I thought I should be receiving questions and found about 6 emails that were waiting for responses.  I am truly sorry...this is not my way of dealing with questions, especially one as important as yours.  

Amy, I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart I believe a decision to divorce this man is the correct one.  Do you realize that it only takes 8lbs of pressure for 11 seconds to kill someone in a choke hold?  This man could have killed you, and then what would your son do?  In response to those who have said a separation would be the answer, just understand that statistically, abusers have a very low rate of rehabilitation.  The odds are very much against behavior improvement.

What you described to me is the classic cycle of abuse and yes, each time it repeats, the time it takes to get through it is shorter.  If your husband wants to get help, let him do that but don't get sucked into the manipulation that you need to stay and help him get better.  He has to do that on his own.  Just like his abuse is not your fault, you cannot help him get better.  This is all his responsibility and he needs to do it because he wants to, because he realizes how terrible his behavior is and he would do it whether you stay or go.  His statement is a classic, text book manipulation and you should pay no attention to it.  Abusers blame their victims for everything and take no responsibility for themselves, then they go into the puppy dog tears and apology mode, the victim relents and forgives then comes the honeymoon period.  The controllers isolate their victims and have no friends themselves.

Life is too short to spend it revolving around this kind of cycle.  He has no intention of changing or taking responsibility for his actions.  It is better to get out now and start your life over with people who care about you and honor you.  I would recommend you getting some abuse counseling as well, once you get out of this situation.  You have been affected by this.  A good resource is your local women's center or domestic violence organization.  They have resources such as court advocacy and abuse counseling, usually at little or no cost.  Take every opportunity open to you to get out of this and move past it.  You deserve better and so does your son.

I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com