Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/2/2010

Question
I have similar problem as the lady states in article (moving on). I feel the same. Mine stems back to teenagers. Just recently out of relationship. Had problems enjoying my life with him,have paranoid thoughts of him being with another, trust issues,communicating with him,arguing over the most insane things,looking for problems ending up in tears and frustrated,putting fault on sometimes him but mostly me. He,S got problems too, drinking for one. All my relationships with these men involved drinking. I quit 11 years ago,also quit with men, up until 2008. I was tired of men using me physically/mentally controlling me,manipulating,criticism,not understanding me.Living off me. This controlling issue stems from my father, all my life.Authority/Superior in work with men affect me in my job. There is more can I write another too you. My question is EMDR-eye movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Can you find one of these in Canada. New Brunswick, Canada. I,Ave been thinking of finding someone to talk to. I,Ave been on medication for depression all my life, only I feel it is not depression. I feel it is because of all the abuse I,ve taken off men in my life. When I was married my husband pushed me down a flight of stairs, kicked me in the stomach numerous times, he killed my baby that was growing inside of me. I was 4 months pregnant. I was raped not once but three times,1st one when I was 14. One date rape,the other was from a trucker,kicked me out of truck and left me for dead.I give my all in relationships, I,m very possessive of the men I,m with and do not want to share them with nobody. I,m scarred that they will find another and leave me. They all end up leaving me, no matter what I do or don,t do. This last one left and said I don,t know the meaning of Love. He said I knew what he was like when I met him. Problem is I didn,t meet him he met me through another. I told him I didnot want a relationship because I have to many wounds and I,m not healed yet from the last one. He pushed and pushed and I didn,t have the guts to say leave me alone, because I was lonely and needed a friend. I,m 50 yrs old and am no wheres closer to being in love with someone decent. I have a 14 yr old and even he and I have arguments, fights over nothing, I just can,t control my feelings. I miss this man, I can,t sleep,I,m obsessed with how to , or how to get it back. I know it isn,t worth it because he is a drinker and that will never change.I just don,t know why I keep going after the loosers, the jerks. It,s like I wear a sign on my back that says pick me. Thankyou.             signed forever lost  

Answer
Hi Sherri,
You have been through so much and it may be time to enlist some quality assistance to help you along the next part of your journey.  Abuse propagates abuse and victims of abuse usually spend their lives trying to figure out why they can't maintain healthy relationships.  Simply put, it is because healthy relationships were never modeled for you so you learned to survive.

EMDR is the primary therapy which helps heal trauma.  You have been through much trauma and may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but that is a diagnosis that a professional counselor would need to make.  I would very strongly encourage you to contact your nearest women's center and help them plug you in with an abuse counselor.  As far as finding an EMDR therapist in your area, I would direct you to the EMDRIA website where they have a listing of qualified therapists.  If you can't find what you need there, call them or email them and ask them to direct you to someone in Canada who can answer your question.  

If you could have figured this out on your own, you would have by now.  You need someone with better skills than you have to help you out so even if you can't find someone who knows how to do EMDR, an abuse counselor would be beneficial to you.

I truly wish you well Sherri.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com