Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/4/2010

Question
Dear Ms. Mitchell,

My ex-boyfriend that I dated from 20-24 is back in my life two years after we broke up.  We started talking as friends after not having any communication for almost a year.  Eventually, we both revealed that we still have strong feelings for the other.  It has been about 6 months from that point.  During our relationship, we would have volatile fights.  I had suspected that he was cheating on me, which he did both physically and emotionally.  During these fights he became very emotionally abusive.  He has profusely apologized for his actions telling me so many things about him have changed.  In fact, his girl friends (women who are friends, not dating relationships) have all said how they cannot even imagine him getting angry at anyone.

That being said, for the past month, things have been a bit too familiar.  I have been told that my trust issues are annoying and petty, that he can't stand to talk to me if I bring anything up about the past, etc.  This past weekend, he said some really hurtful things to me and when I started crying, he left me to get my friend and told her, "Go get her, clean her up, and get her home, I can't even stand to be around her for another second."  We had been drinking and I have a tendency to overreact, so I just brushed it off to me being melodramatic.  Last night, my friend told me that he had said things like I don't want to be around you or even look at you right now.  This is why we can't be together because you're like this, etc. etc.  

I am having a hard time, once again, dealing with this type of behavior.  If I try to talk about it, he gets angry.  He has no patience when it comes to talking about these issues.  Again, this is all within the past month (so, I cannot be sure if it has to deal with job/holiday stress).  But, it's to a point where he will completely shut me out and not even talk to me until he is "no longer annoyed with me."  Am I just fooling myself into think that he has changed?  Is there a way to deal with this type of behavior?  I know that he is a good person--but it's hard to understand how someone who "loves" me can treat me like I mean nothing.  I have avoided breaching the subject again, because I don't feel like dealing with the anger that is involved in his response.  

Thank you ahead for your time and consideration!

Answer
Dear Aubrey,
Thank you for writing and for being so candid about such a sensitive subject.  Emotional abuse is very hard to deal with....mainly because it is hard to prove.  You have to prove intent in order to get someone to admit they are emotionally abusive and we all know how hard intent is to establish.

In some respects, the answer here is quite simple.  There is a reason he was your ex-boyfriend and those reasons still exist.  The two of you aren't good for each other and it matters less how he acts with other people, it is how he acts with you that counts.  Most likely both of you are good people, but that doesn't mean that you should be together.  These strong feelings come from a hormone called PEA and that will diminish over time.  Once it is gone, if you have not developed a respectful and loving relationship, all that will remain is the abuse.

If you have trust issues, I would encourage you to seek out the services of a competent counselor who can help you work through those issues.  Relationships can't exist successfully with out trust, so you are at a disadvantage if there is a weakness there.  With that being said, there is nothing that justifies being treated dishonorably or being devalued in the ways you describe.  

If you can't talk to him to work out anything then there isn't much of a chance that this will change.  In order to work through issues, there has to be communication on both sides.  Without it, there isn't much hope for change.  

You asked about dealing with this behavior.  The only way to deal with it is to stand up to it, put boundaries out there with consequences. Emotional abuse is the nice way of saying he is a bully.  If he continues to cross the boundaries and treat you badly, then you will have to leave.  You did it once, you can do it again.  There are some people who just aren't meant to be together.

I truly wish you well with this.  These are difficult issues, but the good side is they cause us to grow in ways we wouldn't have if they hadn't come along.  Please feel free to contact me if I can assist you further.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com