Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 1/29/2010

Question
Hi, my ex continually sends me demeaning e-mails - most recent subject line "Mother of the Year - NOT!!!" I have a 13 year old son and a 17 year old daughter, and my son is having some challenges at school, which his father blames completely on me - even though we have joint custody and there are just as many assignments that aren't getting done when he is at his dad's house. His dad has been yelling at him for not getting stuff done for the last couple years - which hasn't been working - my approach is to try to help him figure out what he needs to do to be successful. I have met with his counselors and explained to them what I have done to help my son and they agreed that I was doing everything right.
My question is how do I get my ex to stop blaming me for everything and actually work with me to help my son? Or should I be asking this of the expert that believes in miracles? lol

Answer
Renee,

If your ex is destroying your son, I would think the Social Welfare workers assigned to the case, would appeal for a review of the joint custody ruling.

You cannot stop another person from being who they are.  This gentleman has issues that no doubt contributed to a failed marriage, and is now threatening to derail the self-confidence of your son.  

At thirteen your son needs to be having his self-confidence boosted.  Sometimes troubled children find it difficult to concentrate on school work.  This makes them vulnerable.  You do not want your son to be vulnerable to the negative influences ready to take over his mind under the guise of bringing relief from the stress of family life.  So, continue to be kind, and supportive to your children.  Refrain, if you are not already doing this, from criticizing their father to them.  This would only add to their stress.  Focus on giving them as rounded a life as you can during these last few years they have in childhood.

But you did not ask me about your children, did you; your query is about your ex.  It is okay to ask an expert who believes in miracles.  I for one do believe in miracles; not the abracadabra type, but the type that comes as we change our role in the relationship formula.

Neither of you seems to have moved on, despite your separation.  He is still hurling accusations your way, and they are bothering you.  You are not indifferent to them.  So there is, as is to be expected, much more to this story than can be discussed here.  Is his explosive behavior triggered off by something about you? Have you explored this with a Counselor?  Could he be taking out his rage towards you on your son?  Now, if I could reach him, I might be able to help him; but considering the level of anger he is directing at you, directly and indirectly, I wonder if with the help of a Counselor you can help identify something you can do to help defuse the situation.

Dr. ES