Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/14/2010

Question
Good day to you,

Hello, my name is Joshua Watson and I'm in something of a sticky situation.  You see, a friend of mine for almost a year approached me in November about beginning a relationship.  While this was a long-distance, online relationship, we really hit it off, on a personal level I don't think I've found anyone who has understood me more and brought me such joy.

Unfortunately, as I knew beforehand, she suffers from a form of androphobia due to an abusive marriage earlier in her life, along with various pitfalls whilst dating men. Taking this knowledge into account I tried to be as understanding and as cautious as possible.  I did this by asking if I ever did make her uncomfortable and try to make reasonable adjustments to my approach in order to rectify the situation.

And everything was working out extremely well.  We were so open with one another, and then...well, the 29th of last month she came down for a visit.  During this visit the interaction was awkward, and again, I did everything to ensure her comfort, such as backing off of affections (snuggling, hugging mostly, with a very rare peck on the cheek) or talking things out with her.  Again, things seemed to be on an upswing, the love seemed legitimate and deep.

As of this past Thursday, I was informed that the relationship was too awkward.  That she loved my personality and who I am, but couldn't love me for what I am as a man.  Knowing of her past and the horrors that entailed, I understood wholeheartedly.  But at the same time a great deal of me loves this woman very much.  Very, very much.  

Ultimately, and while it may sound selfish, I would like to try again as I feel like for all the effort I put out, the first signs of trouble caused her to run away (again, I understand the sheer anxiety of the situation, and understand the need to create distance for one to recover and become comfortable again).  Do you think that this relationship moved too fast for someone suffering from such anxiety?  Was there anything I could do to increase her comfort at the time?  And most importantly, is there any advice as far as approaching this in the future?

As I've stated before, I love this woman with all of my heart it seems.  I can't say I've ever lost sleep worrying about an ended relationship like this beyond the typical emotional outburst (crying, etc.), so any advice and/or answers is appreciated!

Thank you for taking to the time to read and respond to this!

Sincerely,

Joshua Watson

Answer
Hi Joshua,
As I read your email, I really have to comment on the internet relationship.  Above anything else, that is the issue here.  

Relationships that begin and progress on the internet are not real. They feel real, but they are really an imitation of the real thing.  Although you may not agree with me, what you are in love with is not the real woman, but the image that you have of her.  There is no way that you can know her or she know you...that is why it was so awkward when she visited you.  Internet relationships do not contain the whole of communication....they do not contain body language, vocal inflection, sight verification or the intuition and feeling that you get from personal, one on one communication.  With so much missing from the communication process, there is a lot to be desired and most relationships that start out with the internet and are not given an appropriate amount of time to develop more naturally will fail.  People can very successfully hide in long distance relationships.  Internet or phone relationships hide a lot of sins and it could be that this person was not entirely honest with you and couldn't hide when things came to be in person and real.

This girl has a significant number of issues that she really needs to work on before entering into any relationship and my question to you would by why would you want to be with someone who has these kind of severe problems?  If I were you, I would let this relationship go and if you want to get into another one, do it in person.  I can tell you from experience working with many couples, internet relationships fail quite often.

I hope this has helped you and I truly wish you well.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com