Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/25/2010

Question
Dear Kriss,

I have left my mentally abusive husband but need help moving on. We are both 24 years old. I just feel so stupid for letting him treat me like that. We were together for just over 3 and a half years (we got married in august 09 and i left in november as things got so bad). At first the relationship was very happy and he used to dote on me. Throughout the whole relationship my feelings for him never changed and i loved him a lot. Things started to change in around october 08 when he got depressed at work. I tried my best to help him but he would take it out on me. It was never physical abuse , always controlling , jealous behaviour. He stopped being affectionate with me and i felt like a piece of furniture. it hurt so much. In march 09 something happened , my husband went round and mouthed off at the neighbours (who were druggies) as they were playing loud music. It ended up with us being attacked and with me being beaten up by them in our living room. My husband ran out into the street and left me to get beaten up. My blood was smeared all up the walls and he didnt shed a single drop. He was the one who picked the fight, i did nothing, And he ran out and left me to get battered. After he told me he was going to get help, but i would never have left him like that. We smoked cannabis to help block out what had happened (silly i know). I didnt want to think about him leaving me like that (it was too much considering we were still living next to the attackers at the time).We both received counselling after the attack and i managed to get over it. Eventually we moved out into a new place in june 09. We were engaged and planned to get married in august09. Despite this his behaviour towards me got even worse. He tried to isolate me from my friends, was extremely rude to everyone, withdrew all affection from me apart from meaningless sex. He refused to get a job, which made me work 3 jobs to pay the rent. Stupidly, insanely , i thought he could change. When i tried to talk to him about it he said he was upset about the attack and would always start crying and said he loved me and he knew how much pain he was \causing me with his behaviour. I continued to put up with it and married him in august 09. I thought he was improving as he had found a job and was behaving better just before the wedding. However 2 weeks after the wedding his behaviour turned bad again. He behaved weirder and weirder and had by then completely lost all his friends as he was so rude to them.He talked down to me , was extremely patronising nd controlling and i was constantly walking on eggshells so i didnt 'set him off'. In october i found out i was pregnant, and his behviour declined even further. He was jealous of the attention i got from my friends saying ''they should give me attention not just you''. I was anorexic when i first got with him (by this time recovered) and when i got pregnant he kept saying he was going to have a ''fat wife'' and that i would get really fat. He also said that when i got bigger with the baby then he wouldnt have sex with me much as he would be ''put off'', or that he would ''do you from behind so i dont have to see''. This made me feel like complete dirt. In november it just got too much , and i moved back to my dads house. The stress he was putting me under was too much and i was worried for the unborn baby. I never want him back, but im still finding it hard to get over things. I know he is very bad to be with and will never change, but i still cry because im not over being treated like that by somebody. I still feel sorry for him because i know i hurt him by leaving (i still keep imagining that hes the nice person from the start of the relationship, who i hoped he would turn back into. It hurts so much that someone who was so nice turned so bad. I keep thinking its my fault. Why else would he have gone like that? I never cheated on him or abused him in anyway, i was always loving and supportive. It hurts so so much being treated like that when all you did was love them.
Yesterday i found he is having casual sex with some woman. I dont want him back but it still bothered me. I only left him 2 months ago and it seems like i was nothing to him. Im angry as he got me pregnant and treated me like total rubbish, yet he is the one who can go out enjoying himself and stuff! He doesnt deserve anoter woman after treating me like that! I have had men interested but have not gone with them as just didnt like them (i do have a bit of self respect left). It hurts too because i will have to have contact with him for the baby, who deserves to have arelationship with her dad. I really dont want anything to do with him, but i have to. Can you suggest any ways of dealing with the hurt and anger so i can be civil enough with him for the sake of our daughter? I dont like crying with frustration (at him and at myself for letting him do this)

Answer
Hi Katie,
I've read your email several times and I'd like you to know that I sympathize with your situation very much.  I can see that you are fully aware that the way you were treated was inappropriate and I commend you for leaving it.  However, even though you left, there is still a grieving process that has to be gone through.  This is a loss....the relationship was not what you thought it was going to be, he was not the person that you thought he was going to be and your dream for having a good marriage and a family disappeared when you left him.  Of course you are going to feel badly and that is very appropriate.  Because he is not grieving, doesn't mean that you should not feel what is very appropriate to feel.  Grieving takes time, so the best thing that you can do is to be patient with yourself, treat yourself with dignity and respect and love your daughter well.

In regard to having a good relationship for your daughter's sake, I would ask you if you believe that your ex-husband has earned the right to a relationship with his daughter and if he is safe for her to be in relationship with?  From what you have described, he doesn't sound like he would be the kind of person I would want my daughter around.  He doesn't exercise good judgment, he isn't responsible and he's not safe....she really shouldn't be around him.  If...at a later time in her life when she is able to understand the issues, she chooses to have a relationship with him, then it is her right.  However, at this point, it is your duty and obligation as a responsible parent to protect her from anyone or anything that could hurt her physically or damage her psychologically.  I believe your ex would qualify in one or both of those categories.

My best advice to you would be to seek some counseling that would help you through the grieving process as well as with any self esteem issues that would blur the lines between love and self respect.  That would be a good investment for yourself as well as your daughter.  Valuing yourself to the point where you do not accept abusive treatment at any time is a legacy well worth passing on.

I wish you all the best as you heal from such a terrible situation.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  Many blessings to you and your daughter!

Sincerely,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com