Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/8/2010

Question
QUESTION: Where do I begin......23yrs I have been with my husband -we met when I was 16 (my first boyfriend) & he was 18 - We got married 8 year later when I was 23 and he was 25 - We have 2 kids (14 and 9).  I come from a family with an unstable, verbally abusive, strict Catholic, mother with a history of mental illness in her family and possibly her too).  I am the oldest and my siblings and I are very close and have always done things for everyone else.   When I was 17 my mom kicked me out,for no real reason other than I was expressing my own opinons, we were constantly fighting and I was always trying to stick up for myself or my siblings - she called my boyfriend to come pick me up and I ended up living with him.  He was having family problems as well (long story-he is foreign and has history of heavy drinking surrounding him, mother, father, aunts and him) so we got an apartment together 1 hr away from my family, next door to his mother who had left his father.  

The first year of dating was great, then we moved in together, I finished high school (had to go to a different high school for my last year)  and when I graduated I got a full-time job.  He had a great job when I first met him, and it seemed like things were good, he had his "stuff together".  Then when I got my job, he quit his and tried many different jobs.  He never wants to work for anyone - he wants to be his own boss (his dream to own his own business - now I see it could be looked at as positive (go-getter) or negative (everything his way) but he is not a team player, things have to be his way.  He started drinking heavily, not coming home, we starting fighting and I couldn't seem to get through to him at all......I have anxiety about his drinking - he seemed to drop everything at the time for his drinking buddies he calls "friends"- we finally got away from those "friends/influences" and moved closer to my family a few year after that - Then my parents got divorced - we helped my siblings- he has done so much to help me and my family and he has a great heart - everyone loves him - He wasn't drinking much anymore and he was helping set discipline for my siblings like curfews and chores (we all lived together) once our first child was born and I thought he was over that drinking stage and ready to be a father.  Boy was I wrong.......he was always hovering around but he never paid much attention to our child. He is a bit better with the kids when they are older and don't need care.

We have worked together for years now at the family business-his hard work with my support paid off - (I had pregnancy issues with our 2nd child and left my job after a dozen years).  Since working with him, I feel he is moody, he belittles me, comments about my weight or my breakouts - is never satisified with anything I try to do - he will say "I would have done it like that or like this or much quicker...blah blah blah -it seems like he just wants to push me down.  He makes me feel everything I do is never good enough.  He does drink - some nights 1 bottle of wine alone, or he makes me a drink (I don't drink much) or he goes out a few times a week with his new set of "friends" (because I had asked him to stop turning our home into an open bar for him and his friends - we had many fights about that- him saying it's his house and he can do whatever he wants - and I said the same thing) -He never yells though and isn't physically abusive......he gets me to the point of yelling and losing my mind and I look like the crazy one.  I try to explain how he hurts my feelings, doesn't respect me or the things I do and ask him to treat me better then I start to verbally abuse him (what I learned as a child) to try and "hurt" him back........He and his family are so cold and I swear I can never really hurt him and I just end up crying, upset and miserable with myself and the situation.  I used to get a little anxiety when I knew he was coming home from work - I tried to make the house perfect so he wouldn't have anything to complain about - now he barks at the kids to clean their room and doesn't really give them any love or positive attention (his mother did everything and cleaned everything for him and his sibling when they were growing up- he says he is neat, but he is really a slob) I believe the kids have lost respect for both of us because of all these issues (me being weak to put up with "the emotional abuse" as my 14yr old told me and him drinking, and not spending family time) - We almost got separated last year but I couldn't go through with it - I feel unhappy with him but empty without him........He says I am obsessed with him - I don't know what that means, maybe I am - I am contantly checking if he is going to drink or dissappointed that he is being so lazy at times (I feel like he always needs help to get something done).  I have gone to Al-anon once and got so depressed and felt like my life wasn't that bad.  My brother told me that things are great and I just try to find problems because life wouldn't be "normal" for me unless there was something wrong......my therapist and I are making progress but I feel I am always talking negative about him - how can I love him and hate him?   Because I was verbally abused as a kid and yelled at all the time, I do the same and I want to break it - I just need another opinion - am I abusing him causing him to drink and be cold and distant or am I just responding to the emotional abuse/verbal abuse he subtly is giving me??  I have lost my self-confidence and my self-esteem is very low.  I do not take any medications at all.  Please give your opinion.  

Now the kids are old enough to see all this and his drinking - and drinking and driving (I get so upset I ask him why he wants to risk everything by doing that).  I have started to go to counseling for myself to figure if I am abusing him, causing him to drink - or is his addictions causing me to lose it.  He always says he loves me and wants to spend time with me (he plans alot of vacations for just the 2 of us - which upsets me sometimes because I want more family time)  He can't give me the family time I need so I end up spending whatever time I have left with the kids - the 3 of us or I have to try and guilt him to spend time with us.........He says he didn't have family time growing up so he doesn't realize what he is missing.  He won't seek couseling, I feel he may be depressed from his childhood and unhappy with himself (I sure know I have issues that I want to work on and change).  I just don't know how much more I can give - at work he (in my opinion) uses everyone, (he calls it utilizing people) me included to fit his needs...........even at home -looking back it's always been his way - everything I expressed interest in, he would find fault in or try to change my mind........I have been supportive of every business venture and tried to work with him for "our future".  Now I feel he sees things as "his future" with me tagging along like his right arm or something.  I have started to pursue interests that I like he says he is supportive now.......

ANSWER: Hi Kelly,
This sounds like such a frustrating situation and I can understand your confusion.  Coming from dysfunctional homes did not give either one of you good models to draw from in creating your own family.  

To start out with, I congratulate you that you have taken the step to get into counseling and try to resolve some of the issues on your side of the relationship.  It is not encouraging to hear that he is not willing to do the same.  Alcohol and control issues are large contributors to the destruction of any relationship and without some kind of change in those behaviors, the relationship will always limp along, even if it does go forward.  

Love - hate relationships are common in these scenarios.  People are not all bad and when we care about someone, we tend to see them the way we prefer to see them so we can hold on to those good feelings.  Husbands and wives are also closer to each other and you can in some ways see the potential and the person that he could be if he would just stop the other behaviors.  That is the person that you love, however the behaviors are dysfunctional and destructive and although you care and love him, you become detached from him due to the behaviors.  It's a confusing place to be, but just because someone might be a good person doesn't necessarily mean that we should have relationship with them.  Some folks aren't safe.  

I can guarantee you that you are not the cause of his drinking.  He came into the relationship with hurts, wounds and triggers and he made the choice to self medicate with alcohol.  Things that happen in the home or in your business trigger him back to those wounds and he makes the same choices.  Unless someone is alcohol dependent, drinking is a choice because there are other ways of dealing with problems in life.  This works for him.  People who drink have a difficult time bonding with others and it sounds as though he came from a family that didn't bond with each other.  Therefore, he doesn't know how to do that so family time isn't important.  He's right, he doesn't know what he's missing so he doesn't know how valuable it is.

I don't see you as being abusive to him, I see you as being reactive.  In this situation, you have to come to terms with the reality of it, what kind of damage it is doing to your children, because it is doing significant damage and why you continue to stay.  With this kind of dysfunction and his lack of willingness to change, the idea that you love him falls pretty low on the priority list.  Kelly, you have to deal with what is, rather than how you would like it to be.  The reality is that this is a bad situation for everyone.  He doesn't play well with others so why do you expect that he's going to be any kind of a "family man"?  That isn't realistic.  He drinks to avoid the pain in his life so as long as he's turning to a bottle for comfort, he won't turn to you or anyone else.  Drinkers don't bond with people, they bond with alcohol.  Your kids are telling you the truth and they are protesting...they want out, they want relief.  It is traumatizing to a child to see one or both of their primary caregivers abused.  Children can't do anything, they have no control...but you do. Your children are the ones you need to be taking care of, not him.  He's an adult and can take care of himself, they cannot.  What he says and what he does are not congruent so you can't believe what he says, but you can believe what he does and you are not responsible for his choices.

If he's drinking and driving, you need to set some firm boundaries there.  No kids in the car for sure and you don't drive with him either.  If you know he's drinking and driving, call the cops and turn him in.  He's a weapon on the road and if he kills someone, you could lose your home and your business.  The longer you enable his behavior, there is no incentive for him to change it.  Reasoning with him isn't going to have any effect at all.  He's got to start experiencing some consequences and if he doesn't change, get you and your family away from him.

I know this is hard to hear, but it is the reality of the situation.  You are only responsible for your behavior, not his.  Blaming other people is typical alcoholic and abuser behavior.  It isn't true.  I truly wish you well.  Please continue to go to counseling and work through these issues before its too late for your children.  If there is any way I can assist you further, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What I wanted to add is this - when I say how unhappy and upset I am, he says he is very happy and satisfied in his life (with the kids and I and he is very proud of his kids and everything we have accomplished) and likes everything about me - he says he didn't realize how unhappy I was (I have only been grumpy alot the last few years, how can he not notice and hear what I say????) Could it be possible that he doesn't even realize what he is doing in regards to the put downs and the critizing (even though I bring it up all the time)....he justifies them as him being frustrated with me, or he is just "joking" and can't I notice what a joke is?  He did try to be nice for 3 weeks and he didn't drink the whole time, but I was so uncomfortable because I felt like it was fake - I finally confronted him asking "why are you being so nice all the time?" he said he wasn't going to be so demaning on me anymore and he realized our life was the way he had wanted and set it up that way and said it was time for me to pursue things I want and he will support my interests and told me I needed to go out more and make new friends.  I know actions speak lounder than words and I  really do have a hard time seeing him as being mean on purppose - I am the one who tries to hurt him on purpose more than he ever does.  He never threatens to leave me, I always say I can't take anymore and a few times I have left for the night but I always come back.  I have started going out more and taking lessons for things I like to do........the drinking and demanding/critizing has returned.....but I won't stop my stuff and he hasn't asked me to.  I hope I get stronger every day!

Answer
Dear Kelly,
Now you are going into the justification part of the cycle and that is what keeps you confused and unable to break free.  His words don't match his actions....if he likes everything about you then why is he so critical?  If he's so happy, why does he need to drink?  Please go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com and click on library.  Go to the category of abuse and you'll find an article called the Cycle of Domestic Violence.  You are in a cycle and unless you do something to stop it, you'll continue to go around and around.  

It isn't about knowing what he's doing or not, its about having empathy for the other person.... realizing that what you do and say has an impact on the people around you...being able to feel what they feel and become responsible for the hurtful behavior.  THAT is what he is unwilling to do.  He sees the hurt around him, but because he is not connected to his heart, it doesn't register.  That isn't a justification for what he's doing, it is an explanation and irregardless of whether he sees it or not, if you are saying he is hurtful that should be enough.

Of course he says he's happy and satisfied...who wouldn't be when they are allowed to treat people in any way they want and get what they want on top of it?  Think about what you are saying and don't go into denial.  Denial is the devil's dessert after a meal of your soul.

Thanks for getting back to me.

Blessings,  Kriss