Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 1/23/2010

Question
im 33 with 3 children i have had an on off relationship with my partner for 18mths. we hav had problems since early on he has pushed and grabbed me he tells me i fuck up when we argue. he is nnow saying i put him last cos i want to join a dance class and do things without him he says im selfish and we dont get enough time together as it is we do see each other everyday on my wkends without mykids he wants me to be with him all the time. when i challenge him that i want time to do hoobbies and go out with friends he says you arent 18 and have 3kids he said i want him on the back burner when it suits me but its not like that i just want time out from him sometimes but i get nervous to ask him. i have told him how i feel and he says i want too much and im never happy. he says im controlling cos i want it all my way but id be qite happy for him to do his own thing. when we argue he calls me names tells me i fuck up and cant be nice and walks out on me and then i recieve horrible texts saying he will find someone else that can give him waht he needs that he doesnt need me a my baggage i always 4give him but everytime i have to feel like its my fault in the first place i feel like im going mad. when we are ok he is so loving and affectinatew and cant get enough of me and compliments me but takes it all away when we argue. he says iwant do any better than him i have tryed to walk away so many times but always go back. i fear of what will happen cos he tells people im the one with the problems. he was accused of sleeping with his ex last june and we split for 6 wks i have had to believe its not true and i get abused in the street by her all the time. when we split i found out hed been texting another girl for ayear and i didnt no bout it he said it was innocent and she did too but it stiill hurts that he lied to me. im desparate for advice,

Answer
Stephanie,

I look at the order in which you present information.  First, 'I am 33'.  Second, 'I have three children'.  Then, the problem.

At 33, whether or not you feel like 18 or 33, you are an adult; responsible for your life.  You are a parent; responsible for those 3 precious children.  But you do have needs.  And the fact that for 18 months you have been subjecting yourself to a relationship of disrespect, and verbal and physical abuse, suggests that despite your age, you are not feeling quite in charge; you are giving your power to someone who is presently, judging from what you say, incapable of giving you the consideration, honor, and respect, you are looking for in a relationship.

In any relationship, each person will have expectations of the other.  If this person says he feels like you put him on the back burner, perhaps you should listen.  Instead of trying to justify your position, listen to understand how he feels.  Listen nondefensively.  Try to see the situation from his perspective.  We understand only when we listen.  And listening is one of the main areas of contention in relationships.

You indicate reasons why you do not trust this man, this quite apart from reasons why you left in the past.  

If he is being unreasonable in accusing you of putting him on a back burner because you want time for yourself, he could have maturity issues.  This is not a fault.  This is just how it is with many who grew up not having some basic needs met, often, from childhood.  

What I am seeking to emphasize is that if this man in himself, feels so insecure that he has to grumble and mope because his girl friend wants time for herself, there is no way he can be considerate to you, much less to your children.

I feel compassion for you, but pain for your children, because, evidently their Mommy is not married to their Daddy, and she is not bringing into their life someone who has the characteristics of a man matured and kind enough to pay attention to them.  These are the children who flounder and grow up to find themselves in the same kind of abusive relationship you are now describing.  Some children are wise enough, and strong enough to think out their situations and make choices, no matter how painful the process, that would lead them to a more secure life; but often people like the man in your life, and people like yourself, who would keep going back to someone who is not kind to you, usually persons like both of you, have yourselves had painful childhood experiences; so now you are looking for a security you did not find with parents; and you have not yet learned that what you are looking for in the other person, you can find only in your self.

Stephanie, you are looking for acceptance from this man; for acceptance. love, and the reassurance that you are important, that you matter.  He cannot give these to you.  You have to remind yourself that you, right there where you are, are important.  No matter how you compare yourself to others, you must accept your self, just as you are.  You might have made mistakes; you might have been blamed and shamed, you as a person, are still important.  Others can hurl at us what they will, we must treat ourselves well.  

Only as you accept yourself are you going to be able to respect yourself, and honor yourself enough to know that you would give nobody permission to disrespect you.

There are some things we have to do ourselves; and choosing our relationships is one of those things.  No one from out there is coming to make such decisions for you. No one is coming to give you their strength.  You already have your strength within you. You have to affirm it.  You have to talk encouragement to yourself.  You have to talk resiliency to yourself.  You have to tell yourself that you do not need any person -- man or woman -- to give you permission to go enjoy a hobby;  You do not need anybody's permission to do anything.  Once you start giving anyone the impression that you need their permission, and if they don't give it, you would be unhappy, once you start that kind of interaction, you are giving that person permission to punish you.  From reading your letter, I get the impression that you are close to pushing a man to physically abuse you; and to clamp down some rules #such as 'you are not to go out without my permission, and I will enforce my rule with some physical threats'# on you.  

No one abuses any of us unless they first know that they have our permission to do so.  They study our response.  And when we take what they dish out, they look to see if it is okay to increase the pressure on us; if we continue taking it, they continue dishing it out.  We create our reality.

At 33 you have all right to continue taking time out for yourself.  Now, if you take time out for yourself, and you give this man time on weekends, without your children, when do you spend time with your children?  Stephanie, children suffer pain; they suffer stress; they worry; they hurt; they weep, often in their pillow at nights -- all this when they feel abandoned, neglected, unloved, uncared for.

I don't know if you are with this man just for conjugal needs.  I don't have any answer for you where your sexual needs are concerned.  You will have to figure that out; but even if that is why you put up with a dysfunctional relationship, what is the ultimate payoff? Is there some other reason why you subject yourself to such a relationship? What are you really looking for?

So many young parents will find great happiness if they could hold off with the 'relationship thing' and focus on being a responsible, involved parent.  The joy of being fully involved in your children's lives, is so full, Stephanie.  Children get so much joy from being at Mommy's or Daddy's side, helping Mommy; helping Daddy.  They get so much joy when you take time to hug them and tell them how helpful, they are; how kind, they are; telling them how you love to hear them laugh, or you love to see them in thought.  Complimentary words are never forgotten by your children.  This is one reason why they learn well when parents teach them, patiently.  There are some simple things they would learn from life just because their Mommy taught them; just because their Daddy taught them.

Watch their faces light up as you lovingly care for them, have fun with them, go to sleep with them, Tell them bedtime stories, or play bedtime music, sending them to bed with a warm bath, a full stomach and a heart beating easily.

Want to avoid having behavioral problems with your children as they grow up, attend to them now, as I describe above.  Take them to church.  The party or the club will not equip you to be a present, responsible parent.  Go to church with your children.  You may not feel you need it, but your children need it.  They need the socialization.  They need you there with them.

When your children are proud of you, you can see it in their every move.  And they are proud of you when they know they can depend on you not to bring into their lives anyone who would trigger off in them, anxiety, fear, pain, or regret.  

Stephanie, watch children who go about their life, with that little tilt to their head, with self-confidence.  They are often children who feel great about themselves, and they usually feel great about themselves because they know as far as they are concerned, they have a Queen in their life -- you; you are their Queen; and they know that as far as you are concerned, they are your prince, your princess.

I have addressed you as a mother; an unselfish mother; a responsible mother.  As you focus on learning how to be an effective mother, you will find yourself becoming more clear about how to order your own life.  I suggest that you enroll in a parenting group.  Either you will be a responsible person, or you would live frivolously.  I don't get the impression that you want to be involved in the kind of interaction you describe yourself as having with this person. To continue in that kind of relationship is to live frivolously; to be shallow.

From your complaints, I get the impression that you know you deserve more.  

Honor yourself, Stephanie; respect yourself, and you would find honor and respect coming back to you.  But in addition you would gain understanding, about the most satisfying way to live this life.

Dr. ES

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