Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 1/28/2010

Question
I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years. We bought a house together 9 mnths ago and i started to notice my attuide about a month ago. He's such a loving sweet affentnate person, always show me he loves. But the last few months i notice that i always want him around me or with me. Even when he's in the house on his computer or in the bath. I'm starting to think i have a problem. I though i was independant person but i'm starting to dout it. He dosnt complain and i dont always ask him to come where i am. Most of the time i try to keep it to myself. Even when he's out having a guys night, i feel like i have to txt him, asking when hes coming home or how his night going. I just cant seem to let him have a night of his own without talking to him.

Also when we get into agument, most of the time there about little thing But i notice when i get mad i call him a jerk or he's insentive. We always make up (never go to bed angry). I seem to hold a grudge like i wont say "i love you" or i wont hug (not all the time).  I dont thinks its fair to say those thing to him, but at the heat of the moment i dont think about that. I feel like he dosnt need that kind of treatment from me. He never calls me down or says anything to disrecpect me.

Please can you help me. I love him so much and i want to be a better person.

thanks  

Answer
Stacy,

Self-doubt is part of immaturity.  You did not indicate your age.  But sometimes, as we think of these attitudes of ours that stem from deep feelings of insecurity; that keep us stuck in sad childhood memories, we know we must work on changing them.

It is one thing to miss the man you are living with, when he is in another space; it is another thing to punish him with harsh words and unkind attitudes, especially when he has done nothing to deserve it.  You must be a lovely person for him to be taking all that from you.  Either that or he is getting something from this relationship, despite your unkindness, that is important to him.

For your own sake, you need to bring your behavior into alignment with how you know it should be.  A support system helps.  Ultimately, however, you are responsible for how, and what, you think, and for how you act.  Control of your will is your responsibility.  Yes, there must be precedents to your present disposition, your present way of dealing with life.  But precedents nevertheless, we must make ourselves behave as we know we should if we are to have different kinds of experiences.  

Self discipline is necessary to happiness.

You want the other person to be civil to you; you be civil, as a matter of habit.  You see you are not being civil. Stop that behavior, whatever it is, and from now on, be civil.  Just so?  Just like that?  Yes.

All the talk, and the psychotherapy, and whatever else along your thought path is about getting help, will make no difference, except to bring you to the place of decision; to continue as you are, or stop, and make a radical change.

Does change come easily?  No.  Habit is difficult to break, but if you want a different kind of life, you would do the difficult thing and break that habit, and give yourself a chance to celebrate life, and have people in your space feel you are a blessing to be around and not a yolk around the neck.

It's up to you, Stacy.

Blessings.
Dr. ES