Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 1/1/2010

Question
I have a couple of issues I'd like to ask about. First, a background. I was molested by my uncle when I was 12. There was never penetration. My music teacher made advances towards me when I was 13. When I was pregnant with my first child at 20, I walked in to find my father-in-law holding my dirty underwear up to his face. Ok. So now that I've said that, let me ask you some questions. I never told a soul about my uncle molesting me until after the incident with my father-in-law. When I told my mother, she couldn't believe it. I never told my dad or any one else in the family for fears of lifetime fighting and distance in the family. Now my mom says that it must have been an "accident" because that doesn't sound like him. Maybe it was a "mistake" but I don't see a grown man accidentally rubbing a 12 yr old's breasts. My mom and dad and my uncle and aunt are closer than ever. See each other every day. I have moved 3 hrs away from my hometown to avoid being around him (and my father-in-law) and feeling uncomfortable. How can my mom be so close with the man who hurt me so badly? I am hurt by this. My husband and I are having problems and her solution is for me to move back there. But how can I? Knowing I will have to deal with that man on almost a daily basis? How do I let her know just how badly this hurts without jeopardizing our relationship? About the music teacher. I was crying out for help, misbehaving, drinking, smoking marijuana, whatever I could to get attention hoping my parents would ask me "why" I was doing all this. It was so out of character for me. But, never happened. So, when the teacher started complimenting me on how my shirt grabbed every curve and how beautiful I looked that day, I took this as an opportunity. I went to see the principal. When I told her what happened, she said she would handle it. I only told her about the teacher of course, hoping questions would follow...but they didn't. Nothing happened to the teacher, principal didn't call my parents, nothing. Like it never happened. Years later I was able to say I told you so when he was a music teacher in high school. He was having sexual relations to many different girls in our school and they were pressing statutory rape charges against him. Unfortunately, his day in court never came, he committed suicide before he could be arrested. Again, when I told my mom about it, she said nothing. No response. Like I am lying about it. Now on to my father-in-law. The moment that I walked in on my underwear in his face, I called my mother. I immediately went to my husbands work and let him know of the situation. He believes me, my mom believes me. But when my husband and I approached him about it, he denied everything. Says that he was picking up my dirty clothes. That was a lie because I always wrapped my underwear up inside of my dirty pants and put them in the hamper to avoid the embarrassment of having my underwear out in the open. My mother-in-law believes him and thinks I am a liar. My husband convinced me that it would be best to act like it never happened and allow his mother to be a grandmother to her grandkids. So, I again pushed my feelings inside to benefit those around me. My children will never stay the night there and my kids aren't even allowed to be left alone there. But I still have to deal with this every holiday. I am tired of suppressing my feelings on everything for the benefit of other people. Am I selfish? How do I deal with my mother-in-law? She wants to be so close to me now. How can I when she thinks I have wrongfully accused her husband of something that he really did? Do I eventually tell my kids? I don't want them to feel as alone as I have my whole life. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything, no matter how big or small. But can I do this without telling them the truth? I know they are too young now (5 %26 7), but I am contemplating telling them when they are teens. Maybe not all the details, but enough to let them know I was hurt by someone I trusted. Would this damage them? I am so alone and need help! Sorry for a ton of questions!

Answer
Dear Melisa,

Peace be with you.

May this year be  a  New year  for you.

I understand the  post  molestation episodes you endure.
Your father-in-law had  committed   the  dirty act. No doubt.


You must   live   far away from your uncle and father-in-law.

You must make it clear to your mother-in-law that  you wish to keep distance from her for  some time till you are  healed from your inner wounds. Tell her directly but politely.

Your husband must be   told everything about  what happened to you. Once you tell him , do not seek his approval and acceptance about what you said. If he believes you  or not, you  need not worry about it. However make it crystal clear to him that  you will not  be able to  live around  your  father-in-law or uncle till you get healed.

You  must not tell  anything about your  'negative' aspects of life to your kids till they are 20 atleast .But you must guide them to live  a holy life  and  a  prudent life.


Pray to God  daily.Live your life according to His commands.
Only then  you(any human) will be  able to  live  a  life  of Rest and Peace.

Have  a nice day