Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: Not a dating question, but I need advice from someone a little more experienced about etiquette.

I went out to dinner with a group of about 8 other women. These clique of girls have never been super friendly with me, but they invited me to be polite and the majority of the girls have been kind and sweet to me, so I figured, hey why not join them. 2 of them don't like me much, but I have really started to like the other 6 girls. Those 6 girls were not very friendly at first, and they were very apprehensive about me, but as of the last 6 months they are always calling me to hang out with them every weekend and never ignore me, which I do take into consideration. They don't need to associate with me at all, but they still do. Which is very kind of them.

We were all laughing, talking, having a good time at dinner.

Then there are 2 girls who don't like me (they are best friends with these 6 girls). So all of a sudden, one of the girls said something EXTREMELY nasty about me attacking me (out of the blue) and the entire table got dead quiet. The other 1 girl who doesn't like me started agreeing with her and they both were snickering and laughing about me in front of everyone, the first mean girl said that she loves to fight me and the second girl chanted "oh looks like you two are gonna get into a fight now! woot woot!" (?) wow that's kind of random. They both looked at each other and laughed "MWAAA HAAA HAAA" you know that terrifying evil laugh? like the villians in movies do? yeah, it's pretty psychotic.

(fighting was referring to verbally fighting me, not physically)

Everyone got dead quiet and stared at me in shock...the other 6 girls I mean...

By the way, I am a Tae Kwon Do instructor and fitness model... which these girls know... they could never kick my ass physically... but emotionally/mentally... they are trying to destroy me... and they BARELY know me...

So i thought maybe this was an "initiation" method to the mean girls club? they are testing me to see if i give a reaction, or if i fight back and destroy them.

So what I did was stay VEEEEEEEEEEERY quiet and not say a word... while all this stuff was going on i didn't say anything.

So it was an EXTREMELY uncomfortable silence for a long time... then eventually one of the girls turned the topic to something else...

OK. So I realized, that yes I can fight back and stand up for myself...and sure they might respect me, maybe not... but that would mean... I would get MORE involved with these 2 girls... and I don't want to be friends with or associate with these girls in the first place because they're... well...psychotic obviously.

The other 6, sure I don't mind hanging out with them. These other girls are cool.

So do you have any advice about situations like these?

Was it a good idea to stay calm, cool, and don't say a word, just make them look like idiots? In a weird way, it makes me look like I have self restraint or that I'm in power...

see i guess i could fight back and shut them up for good.. but then we would become involved...and thats not what i want...

so i can just act like i don't care...and then slowly start to avoid them... sometimes ignoring these types of people just KILLS these attention-seekers. cuz nothing they say can make you crack.

what do you think?

ANSWER: Dear Anna,
I think that you handled a very difficult situation as best you could.  It is always awkward to handle embarrassing situations which are created by rude people who don't seem to know better.

In all honesty, you only had two choices:  engage them or be silent and get through the rest of the event as best you can.  If you had wanted to engage them, you could have simply looked at one of them and said, "...and your point is?" or "what's your point?"  Often, that brings people to a point where they have to actually say what they mean rather than hiding in innuendo.  That often has the effect of causing them to be silent.  

If your goal is not to associate with these girls, then not engaging them is probably the best course of action.  Attend events with the other girls and avoid the ones where you would be put into direct contact with the ones you don't like.

Sounds like you did the best thing possible in a difficult situation.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well there was one time that I did ask one of the girls "and your point is?" and she started screaming at me VERY VIOLENTLY and went into a screaming tirade.

That's why I didn't say anything this time around.

Answer
Dear Anna,
It sounds like you did the next best thing then and just didn't engage her.  There are just some people who have so many issues that it is best just to avoid them.  These girls sound like "bullies" and in that case, the best wisdom is that it takes two to make a fight, so don't be that second person.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself facing this kind of situation.  It is never easy to be around volatile and angry people, but the good news is that it is a big world and there are many other people in it.  Just choose to be around those who lift you up and bring life to you.

Many blessings, Kriss