Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/14/2010

Question
Dear Kriss,
I married an impulsive angry abuser. He was only abusive during arguments, not on a daily basis...however, I experienced physical, emotional and verbal abuse for 3 years of our marriage. I asked for divorce, but he promised he would change....and has. For the last year, he has been a different person. Our marriage is better than ever...except one area: I'm still healing. He thinks I should just get over it and becomes very defensive anytime the past is brought up. There are occasions where I am reminded of an abusive event. If I bring it up, he gets angry. He says that I'm throwing it in his face. Am I wrong to think that in order for me to completely heal, I need to talk about what happened? And am I wrong to think that he should take responsibility for what happened, apologize again, and reassure me that it will never happen again? When he reacts this way, it hurts just as much as it did when it happened the first time. It feels like it's never going to go away.

Please advise,
Jodye

Answer
Dear Jodye,
It is disappointing when people who are abusive do not take responsibility for their actions.  No, you are not wrong in thinking he should take responsibility and do whatever it takes to restore your heart.  That is called restitution and it is a very important part of the healing process.  It rebuilds trust and lets the abuse victim know that there has been a true heart change.

My suggestion to you would be to seek out an abuse counselor and work out your healing process with that person.  If you have a local women's center, they would be a good resource for you as often there are abuse counselors who volunteer their time for people such as yourself.  Women are verbal and we process out loud.  Men do not process that way, they process internally.  In order to meet your need to talk, a counselor may be your best option.  You are not going to be able to just "get over it".  That is an irrational stance to take and shows a lack of understanding with regard to what his behavior has done to you.

Your husband still has some issues and counseling might be an option for him as well, if he is open to that.  He seems to be responding out of shame and/or guilt and that needs to be healed as well.  

I truly wish you the best as you heal from the hurt.  It is not an easy journey, but with the help of an experienced counselor, you can do it.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Many blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com