Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/5/2010

Question
I've been married for 14 years, have 3 great kids. It has been a very rocky road. Pretty much went off the cliff right after we married and have slowly been improving over the years. From the start my husband was super critical of me, how I do things, why I did them, what I wore, where I put the cutting board in the kitchen (I'm not joking, he flipped out about that right after our marriage). He was also depressed for years and I bent myself into a pretzel trying to help him, keep things afloat. He finally got some counseling and is much better overall (good provider and great dad) but there are still issues. I am nervous when we are with other people because he sometimes embarrasses me with the way he treats me or others. Over the years I've stopped trying to arrange social things for this reason. I'm often nervous when he's coming home, I think I'm kind of scared of him on some level because I've been nitpicked so much. He always makes a big point of rubbing in any mistakes I make or he thinks I've made. He pushed me in anger once. I am finding myself pretty angry these days. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. For the first time in my life, I am feeling depressed, have anxiety. I used to be a very confident person and I always second guess myself now and feel anxious about decisions and responsibilities. An incident happened today that led me to this site, we had an insurance adjustor at our home to assess some damage. I told my husband I wanted him to talk to the adjustor because I knew if I did it my husband would be unhappy with the way I handled things and critcize me. While the adjustor was here, I was going around taking care of the kids, when I was passing they asked me a couple of questions which I answered, and my husband gave me death stares. The second time they asked me to find an old appraisal to look up the square feet in the house. While I was looking my husband decided he didn't want me to continue. l thought I was close to finding it so I kept looking, he kept shooting me dirty looks and after a little while the adjustor was ready to give the summary so I gave up, went and sat down with them to listen. I exchanged some small talk with the adjustor and asked him a few questions about how to proceed. The dirty looks continued. After the adjustor left my husband accused me of "groveling" because I asked some questions and was trying to help verify the square footage and was furious that I had talked to the adjustor at all or looked for the appraisal when he told me to stop. He called his dirty looks "communication" and is really mad about it. He says he was in charge and I should have followed his lead. He says I should have just sat quietly and not said anything. I'm pretty confused. Now that I think about it, this isn't totally uncommon, there have been many other times he's been angry at me for being part of a conversation, or saying something he didn't like. The thing that was weird today is that I just answered the questions I was asked and asked a few of my own that were on topic. I've been trying to be very self honest about this as I've thought about it all day and I really don't think I did anything wrong. Can you provide me with another viewpoint, am I nuts or is he being rather controlling and unreasonable? I need perspective.  

Answer
Dear Rebecca,
No, you are not being oversensitive, this is controlling and domineering behavior.  There is nothing wrong with you speaking to someone in your own home, especially when you have been asked a question.  Your husband has major control issues as well as an authoritarian leadership style.  Neither of these is good for much, unless you plan on being a hermit.

I will tell you what I have told many of my own clients..."If you can't be yourself when you are with another person, you shouldn't be with that person."  Depression is the destination point of living with someone like this and I would strongly encourage you to invest in some personal counseling for yourself.  I'd like to see you get your life back, as well as your identity.  This is very important, especially when living with someone as controlling as your husband.  I can guarantee you that he won't like that, and you probably know that already, but the price of giving up who you are in order to "submit" to a man is too high a price to pay.  If you continue to enable him, he will continue to dominate you, it is as simple as that.  

Your local women's center may be able to provide you with counseling at little to no cost, if that is a consideration for you.  I  hope this has given you the perspective you need.  I truly wish you well and hope this situation improves for you.  Please feel free to contact me again if I can be of any further assistance.

Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com