Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/13/2010

Question
separated after 21 months of marriage. The episodes of silent treatment for up to 9 weeks just about paralyzed me.  Finally I had enough and decided to leave. I have been so affected in such a short time by this persons actions, I am wondering how long it will take me get my old self back.  It was a first marriage for the both of us. He is 47 I am 44.  We meet in July 2007, although I did know casually for three years, married in February 2008.  During the 7 months of dating he was charming, loving, kind. My wedding night everything changed completely as soon as I said "I do" I saw him transform into this selfish, arrogant, controlling, verbally abusive, angry person. I tried everything from going to our Pastor together, a therapist, to ACOA meetings, nothing worked.  The scary part is he told me he know's he is pushing me away, he knows he takes me for granted, he even said he was a word not appropriate to write. He also said he has been in and out of counseling for years and it doesn't work.  Of course I told him it only works if you work it.  Anyway, I have left because I started to react to him and I hated myself. I thought I could detach from his behavior, but still love him.  I could not.  Detaching from his behavior meant staying away from him completely. He seemed to totally enjoy hurting me. I don't know who I am anymore. I have no self esteem left. All I want to do is sleep.  I am seeing a therapist and I take medication. I have a wonderful job and I can't focus at work anymore.  I simply feel there is no hope.  I don't know what to do next.

Answer
Hi Jessica,
Recovery from abuse takes awhile, simply because the hurt goes so deep and is so personal.  You are taking all the right steps and I know if you keep working with your therapist, you will come out of this.

There is one thing that you have to understand....to human beings love is like the air we breathe and when we have it taken away, it shakes us to the very core.  People can die from broken hearts..it is that important to us.  However, with that said, you also have to understand that the way he responded to you was out of his own issues.  There are reasons why people don't get married until they are almost 50.  Usually it is because they can't sustain relationships very long.  This man was triggered by something or many somethings and his ability to deal with problems was minimal.  His behavior is not your fault and his reactions to you are his responsibility alone.  

The journey may have its ups and downs, but Jessica, you have done the right thing and have taken the appropriate steps to recover.  Now all you need is time.  Your therapist will help you through and if you can develop a support network around you, that would be even better.  If you have a women's center in your community that has abuse support groups, you might consider joining one of them.  If you are a spiritual person, perhaps joining a prayer group or a bible study would be helpful as well.  Try to incorporate things into your life that bring you joy.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it really works.  What are your passions?  What are the things that bring you life?  This relationship brought death to you and you have to infuse those life giving things back in, in order to recover.  This was not a failure, just a very difficult learning experience.

If you'd like to visit my website, I have some resources there that may be of interest to you.  Feel free to download anything that is available.

Many blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com