Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/2/2010

Question
My problem is my live-in in boyfriend loves the silent treatment. He is a wonderful provider working two jobs.  He believes that he can never be wrong. My opinion is pretty worthless on everything. Except he idealizes me at the same time, which is confusing for me.
When I ask him to do something he does not agree with he gets angry and goes off to the bedroom in isolation, like a spoiled child, giving me the silent treatment.  If I go in and try to talk things out and reason with him, his belligerent childish responses make me crazy then I'm upset.

If I let him have his space he pouts continues to isolate himself and festers in his anger. He will spend a whole day or night doing this causing his own agony, of which he is blaming me for it the whole time. If left alone long enough it turns into a grudge.I try to continue offering kindness and consideration as usual, and let him work through this on his own. Being a spiritual person I believe you are responsible for your own actions and responses. Should I continue this way of handling it, or is there a better way of dealing with this type of person.

Answer
Hi Bonnie,
Thank you for writing and trusting me with your situation.  I agree with you, this type of response is very frustrating and you are correct that we are all responsible for our own actions and responses.  Perhaps it would be helpful to explain what is happening here and that might help you to deal with it a little better.

The silent treatment is really withdrawing love.  There was an experiment done during WWII that took two groups of babies, one group was nurtured, loved, cuddled, sung to, rocked and touched...the time period I don't remember.  The other group was never touched, virtually ignored with the exception of feeding and that was done through a mechanical arm.  The point was..one group was loved and the other was not.  In the end, the group that was loved grew and thrived, the other group that was not loved all died.

What this shows is that human beings NEED love...to us it is like the air we breathe.  When someone withdraws love, especially from a child it is akin to torture and the person from whom the love is withdrawn will do most anything to restore the love.  That is why it works so well.  Your boyfriend has learned that he can get what he wants through this behavior.

What you are doing is correct. If he chooses to withdraw, don't follow him...that is part of the game.  He wants you to respond to the manipulation.  Instead, let him know that when he is ready to talk, you will be available.  You have to continue to set appropriate boundaries, not respond to the manipulation and continue reinforcing that you will not take the responsibility for what has happened.  He will either seek another way of dealing with you or the relationship will continue to deteriorate until one or the other of you leaves.  

If he will consider counseling, this would be a good reason for the two of you to go.  At least at this point the relationship hasn't deteriorated to a level that is not repairable.  Most people wait too long before seeking out counseling and then there is a lot of damage done.

I truly wish you the best with this.  This is a frustrating behavior to combat, but it is manipulation, pure and simple.  He wants attention and he wants to be pursued....there is a pay off to that and if you pursue him, you will only prolong the game.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com