Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/21/2010

Question
Dear Kriss

I am in my 50s and have been married for 3 1/2 years.  It is the second marriage for both of us.  I do not believe that my husband loves me and I am miserable.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who was verbally and physically abusive.  My mother was totally withdrawn.  I was sexually abused by my uncle from the ages of 5 to 7.  I left home at 17 and followed the typical pattern in my teens and twenties, abusing alcohol, drugs and sex.  I had several longer-term relationships, all of them alcoholics.  I was emotionally, verbally and physically abused.  I fought back physically and verbally.  Name calling was my defense of choice.  Then in my late twenties I decided I wanted more out of life and turned my life around.  I went to university, ultimately earning a couple of degrees and several professional accreditations.  I was married for 8 years to a much younger man who was not an alcoholic but who was uneducated and withdrawn both socially and emotionally.  For ten years after we split up I worked on building my career before meeting and marrying my current husband.  I also saw numerous counselors to work out my childhood grief.

My new husband is an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for more than 6 years.  His job requires him to move frequently.  So right after we got married I resigned my position to follow him.  I was making more money than he was but I had been alone for 10 years and I wanted a good, healthy marriage.  I told myself that relationships are more important than any job.  I was convinced that he loved me and that we would be partners for life.

On our honeymoon I got the first clue that I had made a mistake.  I can't remember the exact circumstances but I had changed my mind about something, perhaps it was about where to go for dinner or what to do that day.  He turned to his 12 year old son, who was with us, and made a gesture as though he was holding someone's head down and was punching them in the face.  I couldn't believe it.  I told him that I would not have him teaching his son to disrespect me and I left the room crying.  He came to me and apologized and then apologized again in front of his son.  His son stays with us during school holidays and my husband has never said or done anything in front of him to signal disrespect for me, at least not while I was in the room.

Two months after our wedding, a few days after we had moved to our new home, it was my birthday.  He did not even buy me a card and we had a big fight about it with him leaving and coming back with a gift.  Other than that, the first year and a half of our marriage was pretty good.  I was a bit depressed being uprooted to a place with no family, friends, or job.  We had some fights but we also had lots of good times and life was good.

Twenty months after our wedding I discovered in his computer that he was downloading pornography almost every night for almost a year.  I felt violated and made up my mind to leave him and started to make plans.  It was obvious I was serious and we had our first open truthful interactions.  He refused to see anything wrong with it, refusing to see how it objectifies women, but said that he could see how it hurt me and promised he would never do it again.  As far as I know he has kept that promise.  I agreed to stay with him on condition we go to some marriage communication workshops and we did.  That seemed to help quite a bit at first, but since then things have gotten progressively worse between us.  There is very little open communication between us and I do not believe that he loves me.

He has never hit me or physically threatened me.  He has only once said anything to insult me.  His MO is non-verbal and non-physical.  There is very little emotional intimacy between us.  He rarely gives me any affection.  He will hug me or touch me if I ask him to, but very rarely on his own initiative. Sex is always after we go to bed without any foreplay. He retreats to watch sports on TV 3 or 4 evenings a week.  I asked him if we could at least have dinner together before he retreats to the basement and he complies grudgingly.  I have said to him that he cares more about his favourite team than he does about me but that just makes him mad.

He frequently gives me the silent treatment, usually lasting for 12-24 hours, rarely longer - the longest was 4 days.  I never know what is going to set him off.  I can make a suggestion about our finances or ask him a question about how to fix the computer and he will suddenly go into a rage, accusing me of criticizing him.  Most often our fights start when I try to talk to him about my need for love and intimacy.  He always gets defensive and counter-argues, with things escalating until he shuts down and starts the silent treatment.  In frustration and anger, I regress to past behaviours and frequently call him a jerk or an a**hole, and that just shuts him down further.

When he comes out of his silent treatment he usually hugs me and tells me he is sorry. He frequently buys me flowers.  He does many nice things for me.  He takes me on trips and buys things for me like a new computer or washing machine.  He changes the oil in my car for me.  Every morning he brings me a cup of tea in bed before he gets ready for work.  Sometimes he calls from work to say hi.  Every night (when he isn't mad# he gets me to lie on his shoulder until he is near sleep then kisses me and says 'I love you' before turning over to go to sleep.  He says these are his expressions of love.  Is there something wrong with me that this is not enough?

This past summer when we were again on a trip looking for a new home in a new city #he was transferred three times in three years#, I became extremely ill to the point where I could not push myself to function any longer and ended up in emergency on intravenous for dehydration and antibacterials.  The doctor said that normally people in my condition would be admitted to the hospital but that I could go back to the hotel and rest.  While waiting in emergency my husband became agitated because we had missed an appointment to see a house and were going to be late to make the re-booked appt.  I told him if he couldn't be solicitous to leave the room.  He got angry and started arguing with me despite my weakened condition, then left in a huff.  I was so upset and crying that the nurse went to talk to him to tell him I was in serious condition.  When I got out we went to look at a couple of houses, with me dragging myself from room to room.  I was in such poor condition that I had a heart attack that night caused by a coronary artery spasm, which was triggered by the physical and emotional duress.  I still have not forgiven my husband for his lack of concern for my well-being.  It seemed finding a house was more important than my health.

I know that I am not innocent in this.  I often call him names when I get so angry and frustrated.  I do not believe that he loves me.  I so long for a loving, intimate partnership.    Sometimes I think I long for an unrealistic ideal - perhaps from too many movies where the man professes his undying love.  But I really feel alone - that there is very little emotional intimacy between us.  Although we still have some fun times together - we recently started date night once a week - and some days things are really good.  But sometimes it seems that we are just strangers living in the same house.  Before we got married I remember my husband sliding into the booth beside me in a restaurant because he wanted to be close to me.  Now if I suggest it he thinks it is silly.  I long to be made love to - not just to have sex - to have him touch me with love.  Am I being unappreciative and unrealistic?  I had been accustomed to financial independence.  Now the money is his and he has all the power.  It is not that he denies me anything.  He is quite generous.  Is my thinking clouded by my own resentment and depression about leaving my career and financial security for him?  Am I weak for wanting more intimacy than he seems capable of giving?

Answer
Dear Marsha,
Thank you for your openness and honesty.  I can understand your confusion in the relationship, but I want to reassure you that you are not asking for too much in regard to being loved.  As human beings, we were created to be loved and to give love.  Without love we die, physically and emotionally.  

Unfortunately much of what you are dealing with from your husband comes from his alcoholism.  Even though he stopped drinking, you did not mention whether he had any counseling or went through any treatment programs.  Without that kind of help and support, continuously, individuals become what is called "dry drunk".  That simply means that they demonstrate all the symptoms of alcoholism, but they do not have the alcohol to mediate their emotions and coping mechanisms.  It is often common to see periods of withdrawal, angry outbursts and lack of empathy towards others.  It is, however, unfortunate that he controls the money.  Unless you have demonstrated some kind of irresponsibility financially which would cause him to distrust you with the finances, money should be controlled by both parties in a relationship and used with mutual agreement.  

Sometimes AA has support meetings for family members.  You might consider calling your local chapter to see if they have anything like that.  It would be a good support system for you.  Otherwise, you might consider counseling and it would be beneficial if he would go with you for marriage counseling.  Other than that, you might contact your local women's center to see what resources they may have.  

You are correct, the emotional intimacy is slim to none and your response to that is very normal.  However, emotional distance is not uncommon for alcoholics.  Your husband needs help to be able to overcome some of the obstacles that keep him from relating appropriately with you.  If he is unable or unwilling to engage in that help, there is little that can be done and you will continue to emotionally wane until you disconnect emotionally and have little feeling left in the marriage.

These are difficult relationships to maintain.  I truly wish you well and I hope that you find some help to assist you as you move forward.  If I can be of any further help, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com