Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/20/2010

Question
I am undoubtedly in a emotional abusive relationship.  Owning that fact only makes me more mad at myself.  I can't explain anything I feel or do right now.  This man is not even my husband and we don't have children or any assets together.  I have been in this relationship a year to date.  It mimics all the chain of events I have been reading about. Although, now I feel like I might be the stupidest women ever.  Five days ago he cheated on me for the second time (yes, I know how the saying goes!!) I am even too embarrassed to tell you how he has treated me since. No honeymoon stage for me. He has continued communication with this person ,broke every promise he makes, is not willing to show any compassion, and blames it all on me.  I can't tell my friends or family because I am ashamed.  I think what everyone would...leave his ass.  I feel that when he does something hurtful, he takes it out on me.  I find myself being that "nightmare girlfriend" who drills him about the affair, his communication, where he's been.  This is not me, I don't want to be that person.  My reaction then gives him ammo for passing blame. I say "I beg of you, if you want to be with another women...fine, just let me be, he won't.  I am reading what other people have wrote and what I am writing...it sounds so black and white, a closed case (get out & far away)but why am I still tolerating this behavior.  I literally see it getting worse everyday.  He calls me a more nasty name, or screams more, and hurts deeper.  Is it me? Am I crazy? When he cheats or does an unthinkable, why do I try to fix us even more? What can I do? I feel like if anyone other than myself pointed out his abuse to him, he would understand and have compassion.  Of course no one knows this side of him.  Please help..I'm not the strong confident women I once was.  I'm scared of me lately and don't know how I would handle any more.  I want him to be strong and walk away because I'm not strong enough for that

Answer
Dear Lori,
I have a lot of compassion for women in your situation, simply because it seems so desperate.  Yes, the answer is to walk away and shut the door, but the problem that lies within you is a need to be loved.  We all have that need, but for some reason you don't seem to believe that you can get that love from someone who is emotionally healthy.  Is there a deep seated belief that you don't deserve better?  Are there issues with self worth at play here?  I'm not in a position to say yes or no because I don't know you; however, those issues are usually at the bottom of staying in a relationship like this.

The best answer Lori, is to find a counselor and get some help for yourself.  He isn't going to leave you alone, you have to shut the door.  However, you need to have the inner strength to do that and unless you deal with your own issues, you won't walk away.  If you have a women's center or a domestic violence organization in your local area, they usually have abuse counselors available for little to no cost so if I were you, I would start there.

I would also recommend that you get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and spend a lot of time learning the principles it has to offer.  You are not a bad person by establishing boundaries.  You don't have to drill him about his affairs, you just need to establish a boundary of no other women and if he violates that boundary, leave.  It is just that black and white, no matter how confusing it may seem.

I hope this has helped you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  Invest in yourself...this guy is a loser and he doesn't deserve you.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com