Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/19/2010

Question
Hello,
I have been married for 6 months to a man who was emotionally abused as a child. He never received hugs or any affection (he said). I grew up in a tight knit family and we all are very happy,loving and have fun together.

Since being married to him, I feel depressed and extremely stressed. He stops speaking to me (silent treatment) so often that I now feel numb to it. But, it hurts SO bad. I used to ask "What's wrong?" or "Is everything okay?". Also, I have to think of how I am going to ask him a question many times before I actually ask him, to lessen his anger. I recommended counseling after 2 months of marriage. We went for about 2 months before he said he would never go back. He said it was sessions to 'bash him' (it wasn't). I signed us up for our church marriage retreat this weekend but we haven't spoken in days. I feel like if this retreat doesn't help than I have tried. This is his 2nd marriage and his 1st wife left him (they have two teenagers). This is my 1st marriage and we are both in our early 40's. He is very argumentative and is just a very unhappy person. I am very seriously considering divorce. He has some very mean traits that I think are just evil.

For example, a week ago we were driving in our residential neighborhood and an elderly man was crossing in the middle of the street carrying grocery bags in both hands. My husband blew his horn a long time and yelled at the man. The man was completely startled by this and I am sure scared him. I told my husband how terrible his actions were. He told me the man deserved it because he was jaywalking and for me to be quiet.

It is an emotional rollercoaster with him. I have begun marking a calendar with + for good days and - for bad, 13/18 days have been bad (not speaking, arguments). This is the norm each month. This marriage is not good for me, I am beginning to lose my spark (I have been told) and I look older. I was so peaceful before getting involved with him. Now, it is constant silent treatments and put downs. I want to get out before my self esteem plummets any more. Should I end this relationship? Please help me.

Answer
Hi Sophia,
As I read your question, the first thing that popped into my head was "why were you attracted to this man?".  He seems very different from you and he had to have been exhibiting these kinds of symptoms before you got married.  

You mentioned that his first wife had left and that is always something to consider when you are marrying a divorced person.  Not that being divorced is like a scarlet letter, but if the person has not corrected the baggage that caused the first marriage to fail, they will carry it into the second one.  It sounds like this is much of what has happened in your case.  

The reason it hurts so much when he withdraws is because withdrawing love is torturous to a human being.  It causes babies not to thrive and it is very destructive to an intimate relationship.  To us, love is like food or air...we need it to live and it becomes very destructive to us if we don't have it in our lives.  Your family sounds like one which freely gave their love so you are used to having it in great supply.  To suddenly have it turned off would be very difficult for you.

If you have tried counseling and if he has made the decision not to change then you don't have any other option left but to leave if you want to survive.  Abuse kills a relationship and it does not provide a safe and nurturing environment in which people can grow.  That is why you feel as though you are dying....you are.

You have tried the things that are available to you.  If you decide to leave, you may hear the plea to give him another chance, he'll do better, he'll change.   That is very standard to hear, however you have to remember that you have already given him many chances, he just has ignored them.  With 13 out of 18 days being bad, the odds aren't good that this relationship will be getting better anytime soon.  If there isn't anything in the relationship to stay for, your best bet may be to get out and save your emotional well being while you still can.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Please feel free to visit my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and look through the posts there.  You may find some information that will help you with your decision.  I also have a library of articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com.  Please feel free to download any that may help you.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell