Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/2/2010

Question
I have an x-boyfriend that I dated for 2 months. He broke up with me about six months ago. When we were dating, he told me he loved me within the first three weeks. Said he wanted to move in with me, go to college together, and possibly start a family together. One time I went to a friends house and we had a few drinks. He didn't like that at all and lectured me about it for the rest of the day. I was visiting family one time and my mom didn't want me to text him as much because I was there to see my family. I told him that and he said he didn't like being told when and how much he can or cannot talk to someone. Said I should have told my mom to stop controlling me. Said he was going to fight clean or dirty to save our relationship all because of what my mom asked of me. He dumped me a few days after that. He is back in my life again and still seems a little controlling. If I don't want to do something he always finds a way to make me change my mind. When ever I hang out with my guy friends, he feels the need to text me or come and see what we are doing. He will ask questions such as, how long did my guy friends and I talk? What did we do? When will my guy friends and I hang out again? And how did I feel when we were hanging out? Sometimes he will call me a few times a week or even two or three times a day. The other day, he got mad at someone and punched the wall. Told me what he wanted to do to this person, but I don't think he would ever do it. He has made threats in the past about others too. He likes to talk about some violent subjects as well. He has gotten into fights in the past, but not for a while. He says no one can control him except maybe his future wife. Told me I am too skinny and if I gained weight he would go back out with me, but for now he wants to be friends with benefits. I don't know what he will be like when he gets older, but it's a bit scary.

Answer
Hi Melissa,
Don't kid yourself, this guy has major problems and if you think he is scary now, he will be more scary later.  Men with these kind of anger, control and jealousy problems are nothing to play with.  If he doesn't get help for his issues, he will continue and get worse.  Even if he does decide to get help, the odds are low that things will change.  This isn't cute behavior, this is destructive and degrading.

Melissa, you have to decide that you are worth more than to allow yourself to be treated this way, much less have a sexual relationship with someone who treats you so dishonorably.  He is abusive in his treatment of you and exhibits stalking behavior as well.  This isn't good and nothing you do or don't do will change his approach to relationships because this isn't your problem, it is his.

You should run away from this guy and not look back; next you should get yourself to a good abuse counselor and let them help you with the issues that you may have that allowed you to enter in to a relationship like this.  I don't mean that to be callous or demeaning; I just know that as women, when we get into these relationships it is because there is something wrong in our own lives that muddy the waters.

Please take a look at my blog located at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and read some of the things that I have there about abusive relationships.  It might help you identify some things that have happened between the two of you and figure out what to do with them.
It is a good thing that he is out of your life and the more space you can put between the two of you, the better.

If there is anything I can assist you with, please feel free to contact me again.  I truly wish you well and hope that you find a better class of people in your life.

Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com