Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/14/2010

Question
My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We have been married for
almost 5 of those. We have two beautiful children that are my world. He has
become increasingly abusive. It started out with a shove here or there and two
weeks ago it was him telling my 3 year old to leave the room. Once my little
boy did, he screamed at me. He grabbed me, shook me, pulled my hair. He
asked if I wanted him to hit me, if I wanted to get beat. He left brusies of
hand prints all over my arms. My head was swollen after he grabbed my hair
and threw me on the ground. All I could hear was my 3 year old crying. The
past physical abuse was not this bad but it has gotten worse over the years.
He raped me once while he was beating me. He told me he was going to teach
me who was boss. He got help after that time and I really thought he
changed. It had been about a year between that episode and the one that
happened two weeks ago. We have a appointment next week to get help. He
very strongly believes in traditional roles and thinks I need to respect him.
Other women that make him angry he often says deserves to get raped. He
thinks women should be excluded in most of society. He says that all women
are decietful, liars, sneaky and sluts.  He says he married me because I am
still like that, just less so. He often says he fantasizes about him raping me.
Very often when he does something abusive or we get in a argument he walks
away with a erection. He says this time he wants to stay in counseling for
years if he needs to. He says he knows he is messed up. I want to believe him
but I'm not sure I can. Despite these horrible things that have happened I still
love him. He treats my kids very good but has recently been verbally abusive
to my oldest son (3). He swears it will be different this time because he never
realized he was so abusive until now. He was even the one who made the
appointment to go to counseling. For the last 2 weeks he has done everything
I have asked him to. He says he doesn't want to loose his family. And I really
want to be a family.  Can he ever change? Should I stay with him while he is
getting help?

Answer
Dear Maya,
Most abusive men don't display the desire to get help that your husband has displayed, however even that doesn't guarantee that he will be able to change.  It is a good sign, but with his level of violence and the rigid and outlandish belief system that he has, there is a significant amount of therapy sessions ahead of him.   Most human beings have the capacity to change, the question is will they and do they have the commitment level to do the work that is needed to bring about the change they need.  Your husband has a very deep seated and error filled belief system about roles, women and how to honor another person.  This may prove difficult for him to overcome.

In my opinion, for your sake and the sake of your children, you should not be with him until there is long term and clear cut evidence that he can control himself and that his belief system has been truly changed.  Your children have been very traumatized.  There is nothing more traumatizing to a child than to have one of their primary care givers abused by the other.  It is not true that your husband treats his children well because he does not treat you well.  The way he treats you has a significant effect on the welfare of his children....they do not exist in a vacuum.  

Even though he is getting help, my strong encouragement to you would be to get your own counseling from a good abuse counselor.  A woman who stays in a relationship with a man who says he thinks of her as deceitful, sneaky and slutty...even on a higher level than others needs to evaluate how she thinks of herself.  This relationship is not healthy on either side, in my opinion and it would be helpful for you to work on your issues at the same time he is working on his.  This really isn't about whether you love him or not...this is about your safety and the well being of your children who should be your first priority.  He is a danger to both you and them.  

Please feel free to drop by my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and look up the articles on the cycle of domestic violence and some of the information on why it is hard to leave an abusive relationship.  You may find it helpful.

I hope that you are able to resolve this situation for yourself and your children.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
livingwellcc.com
livingwellcc.blogspot.com