Expert: David Simonsen - 11/30/2010

Question
Hi
I met my fiancee about 3 yrs ago, she has a beautiful 6 year old daughter. When I met her I was happy with the way she carried herself and she seemed to know her place & role as a woman in my life. She told me she was raped at the age of 17 and she couldn't tell anyone at home in fear of being labelled a liar or whatever stigma came with rape. At some point she moved in with me obvioulsy with the intentions of getting married within 6 months to a year. 3 months later after we had moved in, Her daughter was staying with the Grandmom and she at age 5 was raped repeatedly by 3 boys  age 6, 8 and 12. I decided she must stay with us and I assumed all financial responsibilities, thinking that she will get another job to take back her financial responsibilities. Its been 3 years of love fun laughter and very  very nasty fights. We argue about what her responsibilities are in the house, she only does somethings when asked to do so, she does pay rent, electricity bill, school fees for her kid and I do understand that she cant afford it but I have been waiting for 3 years to change her behaviour, she has since picked up weight and she is forever complaining about pains everywhere and almost everyday, she is very negetive minded and is extremely defensive. We have tried counselling and it didnt work, I have read books in improving myself to be a better husband & it's just doesn't brush off her. When we talk she agrees and never does anything. I love her to bits and she knows that and I think she takes full advantage if that. I told her that I will not be able to carry on with the wedding until she does something about her life, My worry is that she has a serious problem committing to anything in general, she cant do te samething to learn a habit. My worry is that If I leave here there is a 6 year old that needs a fatherly figure and more to that, her mom will not be able to afford anything should I leave. Please help, What is left of this relationship? Can it still be saved?

Answer
Dumie,
It seems that you have painted yourself into a corner in this relationship. I would suggest you take a break from one another. This relationship is not worth staying in simply because a 6 yr old needs a father figure. You can be that father figure and not be in the relationship if you really need to be. What is important is that the 6 year old see a healthy relationship and you don't seem to have one. If you are not willing to leave then I would suggest you both try individual therapy rather than marital therapy.
David
www.help4life.net