Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 11/9/2010

Question
My mother in law has sworn at me sevral times she has stuck her fingers up at me and told me to F*** off.  The first time she did it my fatherinlaw and my husband jsut said ignore and then made me talk to her now its happened too many times and she has done it agian.  I am still expected to live in there house help me.  i have become numb and full of hurt and pain...my husband still expects me to cook dinner and now i am thinking of leaving as my husband doesnt feel my pain. She says mean things about my family and i am fed up should i pack my stuff and leave?

Answer
Dear Sunita,
Leaving is always an option, especially if you have no support from the men in the house.  Obviously, they have found ways to deal with her over their lifetime and have tuned her out.  There is something wrong in the household and you don't have the family history with them to have numbed yourself to whatever the family dynamics are.

If you choose not to leave, what needs to happen is that you formulate a plan as to what boundaries you want to put up and how you are going to enforce them.  For example, when she gets offensive, let her know that is unacceptable to you and then leave the room.  Let her know that each time she speaks to you like that, you will exit.  If that doesn't help curb her behavior, then you will need to think of stronger consequences that will have an impact on her behavior.

Sometimes there are no other solutions but to remove yourself from the environment.  Let your husband know that you have tried everything you know of and if he does not stand up for you that you will be moving out until such a time as this problem is solved.  The two of you really need to be in your own home because there can usually only be one wife/mother in a home.  You are probably dealing with some territorial issues here and she feels threatened by your presence for some reason.  Having two families living in the same house can be a two headed monster, if you know what I mean.  Your husband is married to you, not his mother and he needs to decide who he is going to protect...you or his mother.

I hope this has helped in some way.  Please feel free to contact me again if you need further support or encouragement.  I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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