Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 11/23/2010

Question
Hi

I think i am being abused, everyone is telling me i am and it is sinking in but i cant truly see it. I just don't know if i want to believe it. I met my partner 2 years ago. At first he was nice but sometimes a bit mean. His meanness was always followed by a laugh as if that somehow made it a joke. He has put me down, saying i have fat legs, am not beautiful etc. However, most of our problems are with his temper and other women.

6 months after i met him, i found out he had saw another girl. His explanation was that he didn't think we were serious but we were and he knows it. I have found him constantly mailing other women and he openly admits it strokes his ego when they reply in a sexual way or ask him out. I have found him on 2 dating websites with a signed up profile, the final time last week.

He shouts at me all the time and goes mental over the smallest thing. He throws things, turns over the sofa and last week, he put a hole in our wall. He actually hits himself in the face when we fight and headbuts the wall in pure anger and frustration. I'm scared he will hit me one day.


He doesn't show affection, only when he wants to. We only ever have sex if he wants to, otherwise i get pushed away. He has called me names like whore, C*** and fu****g bitch.

I'm so heart broken, i left him last week after the dating agency find and he has called me today sobbing saying he loves me and thought we were happy. I tried to talk to him last week as i was crying and upset and he mimicked me crying and said "what can i say about it". I hate him but at the same time i love him and he can be so nice. I'm only 30 and do not want to live like this. I wanted to help him at first but nothing happens to make it right.

Your advice would be greatly appreciate as i am in a very very dark place right now.

Karen

Answer
Hi Karen,
The short answer to your question is yes, you are being abused, badly abused.  This man is not respecting or honoring you which are basic requirements for a successful and thriving relationship.  Abusive relationships leave their victims feeling exactly the way you do.  Successful and healthy relationships bring joy and growth.  If you are not happy or growing, then there is something very wrong with the relationship you are in.  

The other thing that concerns me greatly is that you find you have to ask this question.  It tells me that there is some conditioning that has gone on in your life to allow you to question whether this type of treatment is normal or not.  I would strongly encourage you to invest in some abuse counseling yourself.  It will help you understand what is appropriate and what is inappropriate behavior.  In addition, it will help you over the trauma that you have experienced from being in a relationship with this type of individual.  No one should be treated like this, least of all the person we are supposed to love.

If you need more information, please see my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com or check out my website at www.livingwellcc.com

If you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  Until then, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with people who love you.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell