Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 11/8/2010

Question
Hi Kriss,
I am writing you this question because your bio seems to focus on personal experience and spirituality more than legal/court proceedings.

I started dating a guy in May '10 and he's been my close friend for more than a year and I'm wondering if I'm starting to see signs that he may be abusive. He told me he hit his nephew (who is 4) for biting him and made a joke about how he runs the household with an iron fist and would hit me, too, if I didn't fold his clothes. NOT funny. He kept telling me how much it would help him get organized if I folded his laundry and how since I was such a "nice person" and that I "loved him" I would want to do it. He came up with about 10 variations on that theme to the point where I was irritated enough to say (in an even and firm tone), "I have no desire to fold your laundry, and I am not going to fold your laundry, now or ever. And that is not going change. Do not ask me again." He stopped after that. This is the first time I've gotten fed up enough to tell him off. However, it's happened other times and the basic pattern is that he seems to think that I don't really mean it when I say, "No." I don't like that, it feels manipulative.

Later in the same conversation he said every guy he knows has been in at least one physical fight with their father and that it's an essential part of male relationships and that he expects to have that kind of relationship with his son (when/if he ever has one). Except I believe most of the guys I know have never been in fights with anyone, let alone their dads. Maybe I am too optimistic about the people I know?

Anyway, later I texted him and told him I was a little freaked out by the 'joke' he made about hitting me and he seemed taken aback and then apologized and said he was "100% joking" and that he has never hit any female. Unfortunately, we were texting and he didn't write me again after that.

He says he has a horrible temper and will fly into a rage over certain things and I don't know what to make of that because he's more patient and understanding of me most times than I am of him (and I really value, & strive to be, a patient and understanding person). He frequently gets into fights at parties and bars and always has a heroic story - disarming a guy with a gun, punching out a guy who was hitting his girlfriend, beating up a mugger. To me it sounds like he's looking for a fight because he enjoys the aggression and needs a good story to justify it. Am I being too harsh? One time he caught a coworker bad mouthing him in the break room and told me, "She's lucky I'm not one of my friends. She would have gotten hit." I told him exactly what I thought, which was/is that it's not ok to think you can/should hit someone because you catch them talking crap about you.

I see a few things here that could be warning signs, but I also know he allows me to be independent and speak my mind and go wherever I please. How would you interpret the things I wrote here?

Answer
Hi Bella,
You are right in believing that there are some warning signs here.  The biggest one is that he has a horrible temper and that you are believing that he wouldn't be that way towards you.  Abusers groom their victims, similarly to the way pedophiles groom the children they victimize.  Abusers groom by being the "perfect guy" and then when the girl is hooked, they start uncovering small bits of control, manipulation or intimidation.  You are correct that healthy parental relationships do not include physical violence, only physically violent ones.  That should tell you something about the kind of environment he grew up in and the model that he was conditioned within.  That environment shaped who he is, so be careful.  Men who consistently get into fights can fall into a category of mental health problems called personality disorders.  Borderline Personality disorder is a particularly volatile one and you may want to look at a website located at www.bpdcentral.org

With regard to the joke, the rule of thumb is that a joke is only a joke if it is funny.  If it isn't funny to you, it isn't a joke.  Humor is a way of covering over manipulation and control.  It accomplishes disarming a person and eventually humiliating them as the process progresses.  He is manipulating you with the consistent pressure to do something once you have said no.  He's trying to wear you down.  

You aren't being too harsh, you are seeing the red flags about this person and now you have to decide what you want to do about them.  Most women see these red flags and think that they can change the guy.  Not so.  We can't change anyone other than ourselves so unless this person decides that his behavior is unhealthy and he wants to do something about it, this kind of thing isn't going to change.  Good for you for setting boundaries.  I am really proud of you for doing that.  There are things that you just shouldn't put up with in a relationship and these are a few of them.  

Please feel free to read some of the information on my blog (www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com) regarding emotional abuse, cycle of domestic violence and variable conditioning.  You may find some appropriate information there.

I wish you well in this situation and if you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com